not a creature was stirring

shopper: hello, i'd like to return this miniature pool table.

cashier: um, do you have the bill, sir?

shopper: well, no. no, i don't. but i am absolutely certainly that i purchased this item here.

cashier: yes, i understand that, sir. but in order to return an item, you must produce proof of purchase. you must also produce the bill. you must return the item within thirty days of purchase and you must produce the bill.

shopper: well unfortunately, i don't have the bill anymore. but like i said, i am absolutely certain that i bought this item here. i remember buying it the night before christmas. i bought it for my daughter.

cashier: christmas? you bought this item for christmas? sir, it's april. christmas was four months ago.

shopper: so... what are you saying?

cashier: sir, you can't return an item that you purchased four months ago. even if you still had the bill.

shopper: and why not? where does it say that i can't return an item i purchased four months ago? where does it say that?

cashier: uh, on the bill.

shopper: well, i don't have the bill.

cashier: and besides sir, christmas gifts are clearly marked "no return."

shopper: and why is that?

cashier: well, for one thing, because it is very difficult for the store to sell christmas gifts once christmas has come and gone.

shopper: but this isn't really a christmas gift. i mean, it's a pool table. a miniature pool table. how does that qualify as a christmas gift?

cashier: um, did you purchase it around christmas time?

shopper: yes.

cashier: as a gift for your daughter?

shopper: yes.

cashier: well then, it's a christmas gift.

shopper: but it's not a santa claus pool table. or a rudolph the red-nosed reindeer pool table. it's just a plain ol' pool table. a plain ol' miniature pool table.

(long pause)

cashier: well, is there anything wrong with it?

shopper: no.

cashier: is it defective? is it damaged?

shopper: no.

cashier: well, why do you want to return it then?

shopper: because my daughter doesn't want a pool table.

cashier: how come?

shopper: because she's an eight-year-old kid, that's how come! what the hell would an eight-year-old kid want with a crappy minitature pool table?

cashier: well, why'd you buy it for her then?

shopper: how the hell do i know! it was the night before christmas. i needed a gift. you were the only store open in the neighbourhood.

cashier: well, why didn't you attempt to return it sooner?

shopper: because she didn't even open the damn thing until last night.

cashier: your daughter waited until last night before opening it? how come?

shopper: i don't know. i guess she forgot about it, that's how come.

cashier: she forgot to open a christmas present? until april?

shopper: no, no, no. look, you don't understand. she opened the present on christmas morning, of course. but just the wrapping, that's all. she didn't actually open the box... she didn't actually open the box though until last night.

cashier: she didn't open the box until last night? why last night?

shopper: i don't know! i don't know why she waited until last night to open the box. look, she's eight, ok? eight-year-olds do some pretty strange things, ok?

cashier: and she doesn't like it? your child? she doesn't like the pool table?

shopper: no, of course she doesn't like the pool table.

cashier: and why is that?

shopper: like i said, she's an eight-year-old girl. what would an eight-year-old girl want with a miniature pool table?

cashier: so, uh, why'd you buy it for her in the first place then?

(long pause)

cashier: sir?

the first thing i noticed were all those lights in the mountains

the things we think and do not say

it occurred to me today that many of us spend more time thinking about the things we ultimately do not say than just about anything we think about in the first place. and it also occurred to me how uniquely different this life would be if we all just said everything we think rather than think about everything we say. and i wonder if anyone else has noticed how, in this society, we tend to hold those who pull very few punches, who put everything on the table, in a very odd light. because one would presume that in a society beholden to values of liberty and freedom -- one like ours -- one would presume that such libertarians would generally be viewed in a mostly favourable light. and yet that isn't always the case, is it? for far too often i have seen such individuals subjected to ridicule and scorn and contempt. and for what? for their honesty? for their frankness? for their courage to speak the truth as they see it? for aren't the lessons of our youth -- the lessons of our parents and our teachers and our mentors that encourage us to say what we mean and mean what we say -- aren't those messages just as valid in our later years? or have we become so concerned over how we may be perceived if our words are somehow misconstrued that instead we resort to the relative safety of that most famous of maxims, "silence is golden." because it isn't.

the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be