rhetorical queries only. please do not reply.

top ten unanswered questions i have about twitter:

10. so if i send a tweet, who exactly sees it?

9. and whose tweets can i see?

8. can i send a private tweet to only one person?

7. and is "sending" a tweet and "posting" a tweet the same thing?

6. meanwhile, how the hell do i retweet another's tweet?

5. and why the hell do i want to retweet another's tweet in the first place?

4. how does the "@" thingy come into play?

3. and the hashtag symbol allows me to do what?

2. and when exactly in my lifetime did the tic tac toe game board become the hashtag symbol anyway?

1. and seriously... how am i supposed to encapsulate the existential musings of the modern man in 140 characters or less? seriously.

first world problems

dad: why are you crying, hanna?

hanna: i dunno.

dad: i said, why are you crying, hanna? nobody cries without a reason.

hanna: i dunno.

dad: hanna, this is your last chance. why are you crying?

hanna: i'm... i'm... i'm hungry.

dad: you're what?

hanna: i'm hungry.

dad: did you say you're hungry?

hanna: i'm hungry.

dad: you're hungry? you're hungry? how can you be hungry, hanna? how in g_d's name can you be hungry?

hanna: i dunno. i'm hungry.

dad: but your bubbie offered you meatballs for dinner. big fat juicy meatballs. dozens and dozens of meatballs. and pasta. bowls and bowls of pasta. and tomato sauce. gallons and gallons of tomato sauce. but you refused, hanna! you refused! your bubbie begged you to eat, hanna. again and again she begged you to eat. over and over she begged you to eat. but you said no! you said no, hanna! in fact, now that i think about it, you said that you were full! you said that you were full, hanna! so how in g_d's name can you be hungry now?!? how in g_d's name can you be hungry now, hanna?!? i mean, it's only been... it's only been... what time is it, sarah?

sarah: seven.

dad: how could you possibly be hungry now when it's only been one hour since you said you were full?!? one hour since your bubbie offered you meatballs. and pasta. and tomato sauce. again and again. over and over. so tell me. how can you be hungry now, hanna? how, hanna? how?

hanna: i dunno. i'm hungry.

...it may just be a literary convention but you actually require a license to own a dog or a cat in this town...

the kid never had a chance. the kid is maybe ten years old but the kid never had a chance. because her old man loves her to death. loves her so much, in fact, that he takes her everywhere he goes. but he takes something else with him everywhere he goes, too: his smokes. with his scrawny build, he often resembles a towering chimney on one of those long-lost stelco plants. well, there they are again. the two of them. father and daughter. on the stoop. in the garage. on the way to the park. and the thing is the kid probably has no idea what's been hitting her all these years. because unlike the youthful victim of physical or sexual abuse at the hands of one's protectors, the child growing up inside an inveterate smoker's home will likely never recognize the insidious harm that comes from ingesting a daily dosage of secondhand smoke. because there are no scars left behind. because there are no nightmares that follow one into adulthood. because there are no progressive information campaigns in schools warning against the dangers of sharing space with the marlboro man. and so the kid is left to fend for herself. even the local do-gooders at child protective services would never dare to intervene. not in response to a complaint concerning a perfectly legal activity like enjoying a cigarette or two in the comfort of one's own home. or on one's stoop. or in one's garage. or on the way to the park. to play.

Since 1964, 34 separate US Surgeon General’s reports have been written to make the public aware of the health issues linked to tobacco and secondhand smoke (SHS). The ongoing research used in these reports still supports the fact that tobacco and SHS are linked to serious health problems that could be prevented. The reports have highlighted many important findings on SHS, such as:

• SHS kills children and adults who don’t smoke.
• SHS causes disease in children and in adults who don’t smoke.
• Exposure to SHS while pregnant increases the chance that a woman will have a spontaneous abortion, stillborn birth, low birth-weight baby, and other pregnancy and delivery problems.
• Babies and children exposed to SHS are at an increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), acute respiratory infections, ear infections, and more severe and frequent asthma attacks.
• Smoking by parents can cause wheezing, coughing, bronchitis, and pneumonia, and slow lung growth in their children.
• SHS immediately affects the heart, blood vessels, and blood circulation in a harmful way. Over time it can cause heart disease, strokes, and heart attacks.
• SHS causes lung cancer in people who have never smoked. Even brief exposure can damage cells in ways that set the cancer process in motion.
• Chemicals in tobacco smoke damage sperm which might reduce fertility and harm fetal development. SHS is known to damage sperm in animals, but more studies are needed to find out its effects in humans.
• There is no safe level of exposure to SHS. Any exposure is harmful.
• Many millions of Americans, both children and adults, are still exposed to SHS in their homes and workplaces despite a great deal of progress in tobacco control.
• On average, children are exposed to more SHS than non-smoking adults.

(http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancercauses/tobaccocancer/secondhand-smoke)

carpool, anyone?

they cough. they yawn. they sneeze. they wheeze. they eat. they drink. they burp. they fart. they bump you. they elbow you. they rub up against you. they step on your toes. they step on your heels. they step on your brand new vans.

they babble to friends. they babble to strangers. they babble to themselves.

they reek of booze. they reek of cigarettes. they reek of listerine.

but most of all, they play with their phones. constantly. they check their messages. they check their emails. they check their facebook. they check their twitter. they call to say they'll be there in fifteen. in ten. in five. they're arriving at the station now.

and just when you think it can't get any more absurd, they fasten their bloody bicycles to the front of the friggin' bus. so ride your damn bicycle then. idiot.
 

the sky is falling

with all the stuff going on in my life at the moment, i must say that it is somewhat of a relief to learn that the neighbourhood pine cone population knows absolutely no bounds when it comes to empathy. 'cause just the other day i was merrily on my way to the local library when suddenly i found myself on the receiving end of a wayward conifer grenade. perhaps it was a fully-mature pollen cone that had sadly mistaken my ever-expanding bald zone for a willing dance partner. or perhaps it was simply an allegorical manifestation of that time-honoured truism that whenever it rains, it quite literally pours. but whatever the rationale, my noggin took one helluva beating that day which, if nothing else, left me with a profound respect for the resident cedar community.