people are funny

the finely-coiffed lady had just paid $129 for a pair of dkny leather pumps at the shoe company but when asked if she would like to purchase a plastic bag for a nickel, she politely replied, "no thanks." a few minutes later, an elderly gentleman at metro who had just purchased a dozen or so fruits and vegetables was asked the same question. "no thank you," was his now-familiar response. as i watched him struggle to balance his tomatoes and cucumbers in his arms, i thought to myself: what is it about the city of toronto's june 2009 by-law requiring retailers to charge 5 cents per plastic bag that causes the citizenry to behave in such an irrational manner? after all, if you can afford a pair of $129 leather pumps, then surely you can afford a 5 cent plastic bag, no? and yet it seems that the moment consumers could no longer take their plastic shopping bags for granted, everyone within city limits became a penny-pincher. hey, it's a nickel, people. get your priorities straight. besides, if you can't remember to bring your own reusable shopping bag with you to the market, then quite frankly, 5 cents is a relatively light fine to escape with.

that said, where is the equity in all this green frenzy? alright, so i suppose the measure was intended to discourage the wasteful usage of non-biodegradable plastic bags that had been clogging landfill sites for years now. but talk about fairness? what's a dog owner or condo-dwelling new parent to do? surely city council does not expect canine lovers trailing their true masters to scoop up the mess left behind by their pooches with a paper bag, do they? and what am i expected to do the next time my two-year-old leaves behind her own messy misadventure? i really have no choice but to dump her diaper down the garbage disposal chute asap before the fragrance begins to overtake the entire building. so what am i supposed to use to transport my daughter's droppings to the first floor dumpster? a sock? an empty milk carton?

oh, and the last time i checked, a plastic shopping bag can be used over and over and over again. for what it's worth.

liberal (adj)
b. favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.

before emo there was goth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOHQs405XcU

just try it

speeding past the massive queue forming outside the baskin robbins at bloor and christie this past wednesday, i couldn't help but contemplate the lengths to which my fellow torontonians will go in order to save a buck or two. it reminded me of my regular weekend sojourns to my local metro location, my two daughters happily in tow slummin' it inside my shopping cart. ultimately though, our family road trips to supermarket shangri-la ain't about the groceries or the deals or the low ridin' in the pushcart. uh-uh. in the end, they're about one thing and one thing only: the free food ladies. you know, those sweet old ladies (they're all sweet old ladies in my neighbourhood so no comments, please) responsible for handing out bite-sized portions of the latest gimmicks in culinary artistry. promotional giveaways essentially, designed to reel you in with just a hint of the latest chain store offerings, and usually accompanied by a smile and a 50 cent coupon. oh, i understand the appeal of it all. i get it alright. after all, who doesn't love a bargain? but for most, the song and dance needed to score the freebie is often just as thrilling as scoring the freebie itself.

first there's the requirement to feign surprise when you initially stumble upon the free food lady, even though you probably spotted the kiosk six aisles away... and only after planning your visit around the free food lady's concert tour schedule six weeks in advance. "what? you're here again? are you here every weekend? what? more samples? really? no, i just had breakfast. what? you insist? well, i suppose a little bite wouldn't hurt. ok, just a small piece then. are you always in this corner of the supermarket? no, not that one. not that one. no, that one seems a little undercooked. so you're here every saturday, then? no, that one's a little messy. and sundays, too? yes, that one. no, not that one. that one. yes, that one. perfect. perfect. i can't believe i ran into you again. are you following me?"

then there's the requirement to sit (stand) through the free food lady's sales pitch describing all the benefits known to mankind that can be had simply by biting into that designer quiche or cocktail kielbasa or garlic bread pizza square: smile. smile. only 300 calories per serving, huh? smile. smile. almost finished then? smile. smile. comes in five delicious flavours, huh? smile. smile. just a little longer. smile. smile. and... and it's over. it's over. now gimme the food. gimme the food, lady. no napkin. i said, no napkin. just gimme the food. the food, lady! gimme the food, lady! yes. yes. in my hand. put the food in my hand. yes. food. food. free food. in my hand. alright, the food is in my hand. the food is mine now. i am holding the food now.

and finally, there's the requirement to make believe as though you are actually interested in the free food lady's sampled wares, but this time for sale... and at regular price. "only $12.99 a box then? wow, what a great deal. what a great price. just over there, huh? in that aisle? right over there then? aisle seven? no, not aisle seven. aisle six then? i think i just might. i think i may do that. i may just do that right now. only $12.99, you said? can't beat that price. right over there then? aisle six then? ok, i'm heading there now. here i go then. aisle six it is. here i go. only $12.99 a box, huh?"

luckily for me, and unlike most shoppers, seven and two are rather shameless about their true intentions vis-a-vis the ladies that dole out lunch. "spare me the elevator pitch, bubbie, and hand over the goodies." ah, the frankness of youth.

"a girlfriend of mine didn't go to hers. once in a while, she gets a terrible feeling, like something is missing. she checks her purse and her keys, she counts her kids, she goes crazy. and then she realises that nothing is missing. she decided it was side effects from skipping the prom." - pretty in pink (1986)

the birth of punk, in italian no less, sticking it to the man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ4LJebvtB4&feature=related

it's gold, jerry... gold

there are good days. there are great days. and then there are days like today. and to think that it had all started out so horribly wrong. this morning i awoke to the sounds of my own groaning. my back had stiffened up overnight and it looked as though the day would entail an endless series of sharp pains and mind-numbing aches. but then, following second period, i staggered downstairs and to my amazement, everything was absolutely perfect. the layout was perfect. the food was perfect. the music was perfect. the ambiance was perfect. perfect. and as the event progressed, i kept thinking to myself, "this just keeps getting more and more perfect." the hosts were perfect. the helpers were perfect. the demonstrations were perfect. the ceremonies were perfect. perfect. and when it was all over, i sighed a sigh of relief and climbed upstairs again. and the best part... the best part is that the kids didn't really need me at all. they pulled it off all on their own.

but that's not all. today was also our first game of the season. and i have to admit that i was a little bit nervous about facing a squad that as recently as last year was competing in tier 1. when the game began, our team seemed a tad shaky and we fell behind by two runs. but then, to my amazement, something remarkable happened. suddenly the girls began to hit the ball like they had never hit the ball before. one after another, they just kept knocking the crap out of that red dot, 12 inch, asa-approved softball. and when it was all over, we had tallied an amazing 14 runs in a row to steal the game by a convincing 17-5 score. our team played with pride. our team played with spirit. our team played with, dare i say it, fight. even the opposition noticed our scrappiness. indeed, at one point i overheard one of our opponents say about our crew, "those girls don't like to lose." no, we don't. and why should we? after all, this team does have my imprimatur written all over it. and the best part... the best part is that the kids didn't really need me at all. they pulled it off all on their own. absolutely perfect.

and so, as the sun sets on this, a most extraordinary friday, it occurs to me that i haven't really noticed my back pain all day. until now, that is. but i did manage to work on my tan this afternoon with a few hours in the sun. which is good. 'cause i think i look better with a tan. just saying.

"you can be flawed, insecure, vulnerable... and yet you can still be perfect." - unknown

it's the band, man, not the singer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIjxGKLTADE

not really a post

i meant to post a post tonight on those mostly sweet old ladies who serve free appetizers at metro every weekend. seven calls them the "free food ladies." alternatively, i wanted to post a post on the galling hypocrisy of city cyclists who forever whine and whinny about those dastardly and despicable motorists. but after reading a particular comment from a particular kid just a few minutes ago, now i really want to post a post about the genius that is phil collins, tony banks and mike rutherford, aka genesis. that said, i'm a mess at the moment. my back is on the fritz and i ain't exactly feeling too rosy. looking in the mirror, i can't help but notice that i'm bent at about a 20 degree angle. i would make a terrific math question for a grade 6 class. so the angry rant will have to wait until another day... or night.

"so, like, is that all? 'cause, like, i got, like, an ortho appointment at, like, five." - anonymous

it is, after all, the first book of the good book: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DisZ6qmNdbo&feature=related

even more random thoughts 'round midnight

some more random thoughts:

• most would agree that genesis ultimately abandoned their musical integrity beginning with the 1986 release of "invisible touch"
• call it insecurity but i don't really like sharing the sarcasm stage with bill maher
• my "nothing's on" quote is wonderfully poignant and quite frankly, i'm just a little disappointed that it didn't receive more feedback
• "artistes" are impossible to work with - first they demand free admission, then a free lunch...
• 7:30 in the a.m. is awfully early for a land practice

the beginning of the end: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cK3N2DC3Fds

love is

it's amazing that two people ever manage to fall in love in the first place. just think about all of the things that can go wrong leading up to the moment where two people are finally ready to declare their love for one another. there can be immaturity. there can be confusion. there can be pride. there can be fear. there can be boredom. there can be jealousy. there can be ambition. there can be sensitivity. there can be betrayal. there can be priorities. there can be differences. there can be expectations. there can be skeletons. there can be drift. there can be growth. and of course, there can always be another. and yet, every day millions of north americans manage to fall in love. or so they believe.

"trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with." - unknown

the best love song ever, in my not-so-humble opinion, that hasn't been removed from youtube due to copyright violations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShN8UIk5-mw

nothing's on

i used to love tv. i once looked forward to thursday nights and friends. sunday nights and the sopranos. tuesday nights and happy days. but today, very little on the box excites me anymore. i became lost over lost after season one. i became desperate over desperate housewives after season two. i hate cop shows so csi and ncis never quite arrested my imagination. i hate vampire thrillers so buffy and angel never quite grabbed me by the throat. i hate legal dramas so law and order and boston legal never quite courted my attention. these days, there are only a few programs on the tele that i can tolerate for more than a few minutes at a time. first and foremost among them is monday night's intervention. the people are real. the stories are real. the blood and the sweat and the tears are real. and to their credit, there is very little in the way of media manipulation. what you get is the real face of addiction... and it ain't pretty. and as the credits roll each week while the mellow and mournful "five steps" plays itself out yet again, you come to realize just how difficult it is for most addicts to ultimately say goodbye to their demons. yet despite the undeniably gloomy and fatalistic nature of intervention, the show remains surprisingly upbeat and uplifting at times. there is light at the end of the tunnel for some. there is slow and gradual progress for some. there is measured success against overwhelming odds for some. and i guess that's enough to keep me coming back for more.

"to the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world." - brandi snyder

written for his pop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuDqHtAR6L8

bang your head

somebody mentioned to me the other day that most of my "family" posts seem to focus on my seven-year-old daughter. fair enough. so what can i say then about my devilishly-cute two-year-old munchkin? well, let's see. she eats alot. she cries alot. she laughs alot. she's very possessive. she's very outgoing. she's very sneaky. oh, and she bumps her head alot. yes, that's right. she bumps her head alot. "how so?" you may be asking. well, there's really no other way of putting it. my two-year-old daughter accidentally knocks her head against mostly immovable objects on a fairly consistent basis. "how often?" you may be asking. uh... pretty much every few days or so. "and why is this?" you may be asking. uh... i'm not really sure. after all, it's not as though i encourage this sort of behaviour amongst my children. "and where does this occur?" you may be asking. well, let's investigate, shall we? today, in our underground parking garage, she banged her head on my car door after i had popped it open to let her in. she was staring at her miniature dora doll as she ambled towards my vehicle and before i knew it, her head had made contact with the hard, shiny side of my rear door. no harm done, but still. a few days ago, she was strolling through our condo lobby when suddenly, and for no apparent reason, she decided to close her eyes in a futile attempt to simulate blindness. within a few seconds, her head had made contact with the fibreglass palm tree adorning our entrance. and a few days before that, she was practising her backward saunter (foreshadowing) in the frozen food section at metro when, without warning, a clueless shopper decided to pry open one of those full-length freezer doors just as she was making a fly-by. predictably, her head made contact with the frosty glass pane, the section of the door, somewhat ironically, that she usually scribbles her happy faces on once the frost has had a chance to accumulate. and what is a doting father to make of all this highly imprudent and largely avoidable head trauma? uh...

in case you haven't noticed, i love a good pun: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJChh7ghGnE

so whatcha want

"don't you wanna do something else with your life, sir?" - anonymous

the nature of my job can be somewhat frustrating at times: i stand still while the rest of the world passes me by. by that i mean that the kids who come through the school are expected to put in their four years before presumably moving on to bigger and better things. i, however, am not afforded that opportunity... unless, of course, i ask for a transfer. but even if i ask for and receive a transfer, the nature of my job will simply follow me to my new assignment. that said, i rather enjoy my job. in fact, i can honestly say that i look forward to my gig just about each and every day of the week. and it is for the same reason that at times makes my job somewhat frustrating. you see, i take great satisfaction in watching the kids who come through the school move on to bigger and better things. to my mind at least, it almost seems to be the natural order of things. besides, i already had my kick at the can. now it's time to give somebody else a shot. and looking forward, i may have already met the next great fortune 500 ceo. i may have already met the next great canadian politician. i may have already met the next great human rights defender. i may have already met them all.

can't really complain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhQx7K2XZWc&feature=related

put me in, coach

my seven-year-old made her little league debut the other day, and i must say that her emotions leading up to the big game were rather surprising to me. normally seven does not express very much in the way of fear or apprehension, even when it is clear that she is fearful or apprehensive of impending circumstances. but in the hours before her t-ball season opener, seven openly admitted that she was nervous about playing in her first-ever organized sporting contest. "is there going to be another team there, dad?" she inquired. yes, of course, i replied. "but i don't think i'm ready to play against another team, dad." why not, i asked. "because we haven't practised enough. you were supposed to teach me how to catch a ball. you were supposed to teach me how to throw a ball. i don't think i wanna play." uh... i've tried to show you how to catch and throw many times. you've never shown much interest, i remarked. "but what if the other kids make fun of me?" you'll be fine, i assured her. of course, i wasn't really sure of that at all.

a few hours later, seven had taken up her perch in right field. it was the top of the first inning and she had yet to see any action up to that point in the match. suddenly a ball hit from an opposition bat was making its way towards her. seven steadied herself before bending over, snatching the ball, and then tossing a dart towards first base. the runner was safe by a foot or two but i and most of the other parents in attendance were absolutely shocked that someone had actually stopped a ball and thrown it to the proper base. good play, i shouted. seven started to beam. "good play, kid!" one of the other parents shouted. seven started to dance on the spot. a few batters later, another ball was hit in her direction and the results were the same. bend, catch, throw. this time one of the boys on seven's team tossed her a compliment. seven was really beaming now. ear to ear beaming. maybe she liked the boy. she likes just about every boy in her grade, but that's another post.

in the bottom half of the inning, seven had her first chance to show me if she had learned anything from our numerous batting lessons. she sheepishly stepped up to the tee and took her stance. as coach of the team, i stood behind her and gave her a few pointers as to where to position her hands and feet. ok, i said, now go ahead and hit. her first swing was strong and powerful, but unfortunately, the bat crashed against the rubber tee causing the ball to fall to the ground. her face dropped. i could see that seven was embarrassed. she looked at me with fear and apprehension. i didn't know what to say. a few seconds passed. i still didn't know what to say. "don't worry, baby. you can do it!' it was her mother, standing behind the backstop with our two-year-old in her arms. seven smiled. i lowered the tee slightly. yeah, you can do it, i whispered to her. this time, seven let loose with a mighty swing. and thankfully, i recognized the familiar crack of the bat making contact with the ball. the ball rolled firmly into left field. seven made her way to first base. my kid had just collected the first single of her t-ball career.

on the way home in the car, i asked my daughter if she had enjoyed herself that evening. "yeah, sure," she replied. "are the same boys gonna be there next week?"

"making the decision to have a child is momentous. it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - elizabeth stone

'nuff said: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbZDjnWtK1A