rhetorical queries only. please do not reply.

top ten unanswered questions i have about twitter:

10. so if i send a tweet, who exactly sees it?

9. and whose tweets can i see?

8. can i send a private tweet to only one person?

7. and is "sending" a tweet and "posting" a tweet the same thing?

6. meanwhile, how the hell do i retweet another's tweet?

5. and why the hell do i want to retweet another's tweet in the first place?

4. how does the "@" thingy come into play?

3. and the hashtag symbol allows me to do what?

2. and when exactly in my lifetime did the tic tac toe game board become the hashtag symbol anyway?

1. and seriously... how am i supposed to encapsulate the existential musings of the modern man in 140 characters or less? seriously.

first world problems

dad: why are you crying, hanna?

hanna: i dunno.

dad: i said, why are you crying, hanna? nobody cries without a reason.

hanna: i dunno.

dad: hanna, this is your last chance. why are you crying?

hanna: i'm... i'm... i'm hungry.

dad: you're what?

hanna: i'm hungry.

dad: did you say you're hungry?

hanna: i'm hungry.

dad: you're hungry? you're hungry? how can you be hungry, hanna? how in g_d's name can you be hungry?

hanna: i dunno. i'm hungry.

dad: but your bubbie offered you meatballs for dinner. big fat juicy meatballs. dozens and dozens of meatballs. and pasta. bowls and bowls of pasta. and tomato sauce. gallons and gallons of tomato sauce. but you refused, hanna! you refused! your bubbie begged you to eat, hanna. again and again she begged you to eat. over and over she begged you to eat. but you said no! you said no, hanna! in fact, now that i think about it, you said that you were full! you said that you were full, hanna! so how in g_d's name can you be hungry now?!? how in g_d's name can you be hungry now, hanna?!? i mean, it's only been... it's only been... what time is it, sarah?

sarah: seven.

dad: how could you possibly be hungry now when it's only been one hour since you said you were full?!? one hour since your bubbie offered you meatballs. and pasta. and tomato sauce. again and again. over and over. so tell me. how can you be hungry now, hanna? how, hanna? how?

hanna: i dunno. i'm hungry.

...it may just be a literary convention but you actually require a license to own a dog or a cat in this town...

the kid never had a chance. the kid is maybe ten years old but the kid never had a chance. because her old man loves her to death. loves her so much, in fact, that he takes her everywhere he goes. but he takes something else with him everywhere he goes, too: his smokes. with his scrawny build, he often resembles a towering chimney on one of those long-lost stelco plants. well, there they are again. the two of them. father and daughter. on the stoop. in the garage. on the way to the park. and the thing is the kid probably has no idea what's been hitting her all these years. because unlike the youthful victim of physical or sexual abuse at the hands of one's protectors, the child growing up inside an inveterate smoker's home will likely never recognize the insidious harm that comes from ingesting a daily dosage of secondhand smoke. because there are no scars left behind. because there are no nightmares that follow one into adulthood. because there are no progressive information campaigns in schools warning against the dangers of sharing space with the marlboro man. and so the kid is left to fend for herself. even the local do-gooders at child protective services would never dare to intervene. not in response to a complaint concerning a perfectly legal activity like enjoying a cigarette or two in the comfort of one's own home. or on one's stoop. or in one's garage. or on the way to the park. to play.

Since 1964, 34 separate US Surgeon General’s reports have been written to make the public aware of the health issues linked to tobacco and secondhand smoke (SHS). The ongoing research used in these reports still supports the fact that tobacco and SHS are linked to serious health problems that could be prevented. The reports have highlighted many important findings on SHS, such as:

• SHS kills children and adults who don’t smoke.
• SHS causes disease in children and in adults who don’t smoke.
• Exposure to SHS while pregnant increases the chance that a woman will have a spontaneous abortion, stillborn birth, low birth-weight baby, and other pregnancy and delivery problems.
• Babies and children exposed to SHS are at an increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), acute respiratory infections, ear infections, and more severe and frequent asthma attacks.
• Smoking by parents can cause wheezing, coughing, bronchitis, and pneumonia, and slow lung growth in their children.
• SHS immediately affects the heart, blood vessels, and blood circulation in a harmful way. Over time it can cause heart disease, strokes, and heart attacks.
• SHS causes lung cancer in people who have never smoked. Even brief exposure can damage cells in ways that set the cancer process in motion.
• Chemicals in tobacco smoke damage sperm which might reduce fertility and harm fetal development. SHS is known to damage sperm in animals, but more studies are needed to find out its effects in humans.
• There is no safe level of exposure to SHS. Any exposure is harmful.
• Many millions of Americans, both children and adults, are still exposed to SHS in their homes and workplaces despite a great deal of progress in tobacco control.
• On average, children are exposed to more SHS than non-smoking adults.

(http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancercauses/tobaccocancer/secondhand-smoke)

carpool, anyone?

they cough. they yawn. they sneeze. they wheeze. they eat. they drink. they burp. they fart. they bump you. they elbow you. they rub up against you. they step on your toes. they step on your heels. they step on your brand new vans.

they babble to friends. they babble to strangers. they babble to themselves.

they reek of booze. they reek of cigarettes. they reek of listerine.

but most of all, they play with their phones. constantly. they check their messages. they check their emails. they check their facebook. they check their twitter. they call to say they'll be there in fifteen. in ten. in five. they're arriving at the station now.

and just when you think it can't get any more absurd, they fasten their bloody bicycles to the front of the friggin' bus. so ride your damn bicycle then. idiot.
 

the sky is falling

with all the stuff going on in my life at the moment, i must say that it is somewhat of a relief to learn that the neighbourhood pine cone population knows absolutely no bounds when it comes to empathy. 'cause just the other day i was merrily on my way to the local library when suddenly i found myself on the receiving end of a wayward conifer grenade. perhaps it was a fully-mature pollen cone that had sadly mistaken my ever-expanding bald zone for a willing dance partner. or perhaps it was simply an allegorical manifestation of that time-honoured truism that whenever it rains, it quite literally pours. but whatever the rationale, my noggin took one helluva beating that day which, if nothing else, left me with a profound respect for the resident cedar community.
 

make it six

i once wrote about the five pillars of adulthood. marriage. kids. job. car. mortgage. or something like that.

but now i'm ready to add a sixth item to that list: worry.

i worry all the time these days. i worry about a lot of things these days. hell, i worry about so many things these days that i can't even remember what it is i'm worried about half the time. but of all the things that i worry about, i worry about my kids the most. and money. and whether i'll even have enough money as my kids grow up. i worry about the vacations and the college tuition and the summer camps and the karate lessons and all the other things i want them to experience.

gulliver must travel

on sunday afternoon i was sprawled out in my youngest's brand new cot, alone, browsing the trials and tribulations splashed across the pages of hogtown's finest daily. now maybe it was the antihistamine i had just ingested, or maybe it was the laziness of the hour, but before long i was set adrift in la-la land, my mind resting peacefully as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to even more minutes. bap. bang. boom. suddenly i was jolted to by the sound of patio chairs crashing against the cement wall of our walkout balcony. the wind must have picked up while i was down for the count. my upper half now upright, i peered out the sliding doors for signs of upturned furniture. confident that all was accounted for, i groggily laid my noggin atop my daughter's unlicensed snow white mini-pillow with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. ouch. once again i was startled to the point of rousing, but this time by the sting of uniqua's purple antenna poking me square in the eye. unimpressed by my little one's ubiquitous roster of backyardigan action figures, i rotated my frame 180 degrees... only to be met by the unfortunate sight of pablo's propeller-capped beanie. was there no respite from this nightmare of nickelodeon proportions? to the left lay tasha's flowery sundress. to the right austin's impish grin. and where, pray tell, was tyrone in this messy menagerie of beanie baby excess? perhaps the playful moose was not unlike myself, cowering in fear beneath the covers, for fear of stirring the lifelike dora and diego facsimiles resting peacefully at the foot of the bed.

it's all relative

lady one: are those your new hunter's? because they are absolutely to die for!

lady two: aren't they? and do you know what? they weren't even my first choice. but i just had to have a pair before i walked out of the store. so when the saleslady told me they were out of my size in my colour, i figured that i would just have to settle.

lady one: well, "settle" is certainly not the word i would use to describe those amazing boots. they are absolutely delicious.

lady two: they do look good on me, don't they?

lady one: absolutely delicious. speaking of which, have you broken the fast yet?

lady two: as a matter of fact, we have. last night alan and i and the kids dropped by richtree on the way home from my parents.

lady one: at the promenade?

lady two: no, silly. at bayview and york mills, of course. just around the corner from our new place.

lady one: oh, that's right. you moved a few months back, didn't you? so how's that working out for you?

lady two: well, not bad for the most part. i mean, we really did need the extra space. and crescent isn't too far away now.

lady one: oh, so the boys are still at crescent then? do they like it there? i mean, now that they're getting older and all?

lady two: you mean, because of the boys-only environment?

lady one: they aren't longing for the girls just yet?

lady two: well, i suppose they might as they get a little bit older. but they do have white pine in the summer. july and august, anyway. two months up north with the opposite sex is probably enough for them at this age.

lady one: yeah, you're probably right. so, do you have a chance to get up to mayfair anymore.

lady two: you mean, to swim?

lady one: or just to play a few rounds.

lady two: well, i did drop by the spa a few weeks back. after all, i do need something to help me relax.

if you listen really carefully, you can hear mr. sumner in the distance

overexposed

i saw a picture of myself the other day. a picture from a long time ago. i must have been about seven or eight years old. i was on the beach. in florida. with my family.

but the thing is... i have no memory of ever being on the beach. in florida. with my family.

my mom was in the picture. and my brother. and even my dad. but only briefly.

and it reminded me of my own family today. in a way. and how pictures never really tell the entire story. but only glimpses. into the past.

and just then, i was reminded of something my best friend passed on to me recently. about my own family. and about how important it is to build memories today. so that my kids can have something to look back on. tomorrow.

and i must admit that i looked kinda happy in that picture. like i was enjoying myself. like i was enjoying my time with my family. on the beach. in florida.

tv or not tv... that is the question

alright, so my television has been on the fritz going on almost 72 hours now. and i must admit that at first i was kinda enamoured by the unexpected turn of events. i mean hey, i figured that at the very least, i would have a little more time to read now. a little more time to think. more time to breathe. more time to... oh, who the hell am i kidding, man? look, i gotta have my fix, man. i gotta have my storage wars, man. and my weather channel updates. and my tmz weekend recaps. and my dancing with the stars results episodes.

yes, i know. i know. i am weak. i am mortal. i am human.