kung hei fat choi

so this is what it all comes down to. four decades on the planet earth and all i have to show for it is the wisdom and profoundness that follow. alas, behold the learned insights and discerning observations of the incurable chinese buffet enthusiast. step one. plan your visit for the lunch hour between monday and friday exclusively. otherwise, the price tag on your outing grows exponentially higher. pity those poor souls foolish enough to make their reservations for the supper hour or, heaven forbid, the dreaded weekend or holiday season. zac efron may know what time it is, but my gastrointestinal tract sure as hell can't tell the difference. step two. ask to be seated as close to the buffet table as possible. after all, time is money or, in this case, the maximum number of trips to the sushi bar before closing hour. step three. never begin with the soup. it's a ruse! soup fills your belly with liquids sending false signals to your brain insisting that you're full. instead, wait till the end of the meal before pouring a gallon of hot and sour down your throat. that way, the juices will simply snake their way through the mishmash of partially-digested foodstuffs wedged inside your esophagus. step four. avoid the cheap stuff. rice and noodles go for pennies on the open market. broccoli and cauliflower are finger foods for six-year-olds. instead, stuff your face with the really expensive crap. shrimp'll always cost the average man an arm and a leg. beef and chicken can never be had for less than a few dollars a kilo. and they ain't serving spareribs and scallops in the big house these days either. so go ahead. indulge. besides, if you eat too much, you can always metabolize the excess over the next few days like a hibernating bear. step five. protect your knife and fork at all times. they represent your lifeline to the promised land. but be warned that buffet waiters are trained to secretly steal away your silverware the moment you look away. so guard your cutlery with the same ferocity of a pit bull hovering over a bone. and finally, step six. always leave the restaurant satiated... and holding as many dry items from the dessert table as you can muster. so on your way out, grab a few almond cookies, and maybe a mandarin or two, and who can say no to a lemon tart? hey, you paid for an all-you-can-eat experience. so eat all you can. and don't forget to say good-bye to the mint lady. bon appetit.

"do vegetarians eat animal crackers?" - unknown

and i'm not even that religious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Uxc9eFcZyM