and in this corner...

well, it certainly was an interesting day. i attended the 151st running of the queen's plate at woodbine racetrack (never even had a chance to bet on the race... too crowded). i stood behind macy gray in the coat check line-up (apparently she was in town for a free concert and man oh man, is she ever tall, especially with her hair standing on end). i enjoyed high tea with queen elizabeth II (more on that tomorrow). oh, and i got into a bit of a scrap with an old man (tonight's subject matter for what will hopefully prove to be another scintillating post).

confirming the old adage that life is indeed stranger than fiction, the aforementioned tilt began when an elderly patron (i'm guessing the old codger was roughly 70 years of age but full of spit and vinegar) became upset after spotting me in an area of the racetrack technically reserved for paying customers of the in-house dining room. now in my defence, i wasn't sitting in that area because i actually wanted to be sitting in that area. no, i was only sitting in that area because i was waiting for the enormous royal-watching throng to disperse so that my best friend and i could exit the racetrack. but when i tried to explain this fact to my septuagenarian friend, he became even more enraged and suggested that i do something to myself which i'm quite certain is near next to impossible given the laws of physics. that's when greybeard rose from his seat, racing form in hand, and began to approach me in an openly hostile manner. at first i figured that he just wanted to speak to me face to face in order to share some of his thoughts on the british monarchy. but before i could say "inveterate gambler," the saucy oldtimer was right up in my grill hurling invectives that would make even a sailor's ears spin. why, he was pressed up so close, i could practically smell the cigar on his breath. surprised? so was i, but not as surprised as i would be given what was to come next.

to make a long story short, the spunky ol' senior charged at me (yes, he actually charged at me) before bumping me hard with his arms and chest a couple of times. now if any of you have ever been involved in a genuine skirmish you already know that the first few moments of the physical altercation are usually characterized by feelings of utter shock as you grapple with the realization that you are indeed involved in a physical altercation. but within seconds i regained my composure as it suddenly became clear that gramps was essentially challenging me to a duel.

what are you doing, bud? was all i could spit out on such short notice. "why don't you just get the hell out of here, punk!" was his somewhat churlish reply. i'm trying to leave, pops. don't touch me again, i shot back. "why don't i just help you leave then!" was his angry response. at that moment, a young woman (it turned out to be the old man's daughter) stepped in between rocky and me and began shoving the elder combatant away from the fracas. you're lucky i don't call the cops over and have your father (i guessed) charged with assault, i cleverly slipped in. "my father didn't assault you," the female referee answered back. look, lady. only one of us here went to law school (i guessed again) and i am telling you that your father just assaulted me. (you can look it up folks... assault... ccc section 265(1)(a)... a person commits an assault when, without the consent of another person, he applies force intentionally to that other person... yup, that was definitely an assault alright.) "you didn't go to law school," rocky jr. scoffed. at that point i turned to my best friend waiting patiently to one side. um, (insert name of best friend here), did i or did i not attend law school? "uh, yup. he definitely attended law school," (insert name of best friend here) asserted in my defence.

and that was basically how the tussle came to a close. my camp went one way, my opponent's camp went the other.

so there you have it. a firsthand account of the great woodbine racetrack dustup of 2010. i wouldn't have believed it myself had i not witnessed it with my own two eyes.

"never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes." - native american proverb

accidentally stumbled across this hidden gem thanks to an eclectic youtube train mix and the shuffle mode. sure it's cheesy and corny and impossibly sweet, but it does possess a certain charm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhmSZvViaOk