dollar store batteries

the key to successful shopping at your local dollar store is to take care to purchase only those items that would do you no harm in the event they turn out to be flawed or defective. by harm, i refer to both physical harm and emotional harm. physical harm refers to any threat to one's health or safety. emotional harm refers to any threat to one's psychological well-being, which in my vernacular includes feelings of being cheated or swindled.

so then the question you must ask yourself is this: in a worst-case scenario, is my physical safety or emotional equilibrium at risk owing to the potentially substandard quality of the merchandise paid for and subsequently consumed?

a quick tour of my neighbourhood discount emporium reveals quite the selection in terms of everyday wares available for sale. but once again, the inquiry centres on whether or not the proverbial reasonable man would be willing to score those goods from a shop whose storefront window sports a sign reading: "world cup bobbleheads on sale. now only $1!"

finally, to break it down into layman's terms then, the question is simply this: would anyone acting in their right mind even think of purchasing the following items from a buck store?

- men's sports socks: check. men's cotton briefs: pass.

- modern terry cloth bath mat: check. 17th century cashmere persian rug: pass.

- greeting card: check. sim card: pass.

- universal remote control battery: check. artificial pacemaker battery: pass.

- ceramic dolphin figurine: check. dolphin fin soup mix: pass.

- birthday candles: check. roman candles: pass.

- bottled dishwashing liquid: check. bottled embalming fluid: pass.

- custom rubber flip flops: check. custom vouie luitton leather pumps: pass.

- 12 foot extension cord: check. 12 foot bungee cord: pass.

- herbal throat lozenges: check. herbal high blood pressure lozenges: pass.

oh, and as for the title of this post, the other day i needed to pick up a new 12 volt battery for my garage door remote control thingamajiggy. first i checked out the selection at shoppers drug mart. a two-pack from duracell would run me $10.49. next i hopped on over to radio shack (or what you kids might call the source from circuit city). the damage? $11.99 for a deuce from some company called infinicell. so then i figured i may as well give the nearby strip mall bargain basement a shot. and to my utter surprise and delight, i was able to locate a pair of wellson (?) 12 volt a23 alkaline batteries for a grand total of, get this, one dollar. that's right. i said one dollar. now let's compare and contrast, shall we? shoppers drug mart: $10.49. radio shack: $11.99. ed's don't ask don't tell discount bazaar: $1. alright, so maybe wellson isn't exactly a household name in the electronics industry. oh, and that 1-800 customer service number on the back of the package may no longer be in service. but hey, beggars can't be choosers, right? and for one dollar, who really gives a hoot anyway? and besides, the way i look at it, even if the no-name brand lasts me, say, six months, at a buck a pop, i'm still ahead. of course, that's assuming the brand name batteries weren't going to survive the next six years.

"caveat emptor" - author unknown

the song of the summer 2010 will surely be "california gurls." the song of the summer in 2007 was rihanna's "umbrella." and the song of the summer circa 1980 was "this beat goes on/switchin' to glide" from canada's own one-hit wonders, the kings:

p.s. "drop that track" drops in stores and on itunes on friday, july 16