first (and last) date

there is a scene in beezus and ramona (or is it ramona and beezus?) where selena gomez (beezus) accidentally swallows a fly as she sips on a glass of lemonade while speaking to the love of her life, the iconic henry huggins. quickly recognizing that she has just ingested the insect, she instinctively spits out the beverage into the face of her soon-to-be soul mate. she then tries to hide her embarrassment by meekly offering up an apology but the damage has already been done.

believe it or not, the scene reminded me of an episode from my days as a college student that touches on the same themes of great expectations and monumental humiliations. and for once, the humiliation suffered was not my own. for no biography of my life would be complete without at least a single telling of this fateful tale.

so here's my story, and remember, truth is always stranger than fiction.

there was a girl in school, the daughter of a prominent lawyer in the city, who will henceforth be referred to as dc. now early on, i got the impression that dc was digging on me given the frequency with which she would always place herself in my company. to wit: i would go to the caf. she would go to the caf. i would go to the library. she would go to the library. i would go to the quad. she would go to the quad. just saying.

anyhow, one cold, gusty afternoon in january or february (the month isn't important but the weather forecast is certainly germane to the story) i decided to walk dc to her car, being the gentleman that i am. now you should be aware that on this particular university campus, the parking lot is located at least half a kilometre from the nearest stretch of civilization. the point: it was a lengthy hike and remember, it was chilly out that day.

when we finally arrived at dc's vehicle, we engaged in a little chit-chat by the side of her honda (everyone drove a prelude back in the day). i could tell that she was enjoying the tone of our conversation - we had never really had a chance to speak one on one prior to that day as the two of us typically found ourselves enmeshed within the larger group dynamic at school. and as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to... er, more minutes, i felt like we were finally making a connection. we were finally interacting. we were finally talking to one another. and then, without warning, it happened.

now i'm not sure if it was the cold or the wind or the composition of her nasal passages, but whatever it was, it sure wasn't pretty. because you see, at that very moment, in the midst of perhaps the most intimate conversation of my young life, something began to drip from the left nostril of my parking lot date. now i assume that i don't have to spell out what that something was - suffice to say that it was the sort of thing that tends to flow from one's nose on cool, breezy days like the one i've been discussing. oh, and just so we're clear, this was no ordinary, run-of-the-mill runny nose we're talking about here. no, this was more like a yo-yo of mucus dangling precariously from its starting point in the nasal cavity.

now these facts alone would have probably been sufficient to end any hope of this relationship progressing to the next level. but unfortunately, it gets worse. oh, it gets so much worse. because you see, due to the frigid conditions, dc wasn't even aware that something was hanging from her nose until a good fifteen seconds or so had passed. and at the risk of sounding insensitive, just imagine my own horror as i was forced to feign ignorance of the cringe-worthy events unfolding before my eyes. smile. smile. don't stare. don't stare. whatever you do, do not stare at the stringy secretion swinging from her nostril. smile. smile.

of course, when dc eventually realized the mucous-y mess that she found herself in, she was suitably mortified. and she certainly didn't attempt to even hide her chagrin. for she immediately jumped into her awaiting auto and within seconds, she was on her way.

epilogue: dc and i never did speak of the "incident" again. in fact, we never spoke again, period. now personally, i was more than willing to let bygones be bygones. but i guess dc could never find it within herself to put the awkwardness of that day behind her. and in hindsight, i suppose i understand her plight.

so that's my story. or maybe it was her story. but whatever it was, it has certainly stayed with me for all these years. as once again, truth will always remain stranger than fiction.

"hey, it could be worse." - author unknown

so begins peter gabriel week here on the pathos network: