you might want to cut those toenails, son

so when i was first diagnosed with stasis dermatitis (that swollen, discoloured ankle thingy), i immediately ran out and picked up six pairs of graduated support socks from some nearby retailers of therapeutic hosiery. specifically, i purchased two pairs from shoppers drug mart at $30 a pair, two pairs from sears at $10 a pair, and two pairs from walmart at $6 a pair. somewhat tellingly, the pairs from shoppers were made with 8% spandex, the pairs from sears were constructed with 7% spandex, and the pairs from walmart were put together with only 3% spandex. spandex, of course, is the synthetic fibre known mostly for its remarkable elasticity.

now over the course of the past week or so, i have taken the opportunity to try out each of the latest additions to my collection of therapeutic undergarments in order to determine which brand of support sock actually lives up to its claim of reducing pain and swelling in my walking sticks. at this time i am happy to report that both the chi-chi shoppers brand and the more moderately-priced sears brand were most helpful in terms of relieving the tenderness and discomfort concentrated in my lower limbs. and so, in the interests of fairness, today i finally decided to give the bargain-basement walmart brand a chance to show its stuff.

but as i slipped on my discount stockings before heading off to my esl summer gig earlier today, i failed to notice that a run (yes, a run) had suddenly materialized just above the big toe on my right foot. of course, this shouldn't have really come as a great surprise given that each pair of the walmart wonder socks is manufactured with a rather sizeable 45% nylon component. unfortunately, i only recognized this design quirk once i had already boarded the bus on my way to work this morning. now at this point you might be wondering how i could have detected said run in said stocking assuming that i was sporting proper footwear at the time. well, unfortunately for me again, today i had also elected to wear my open-toed sandals to work in order to allow my little piggies a chance to breathe inside the graduated compression of my new support stockings. as a result, both my fashion faux pas (socks and sandals, people) and my nylon mishap (run, run, run) were on full display for all to see. and what's more, once i had boarded that bus, it was simply too late to do anything about it.

and so, for the better part of six hours aujourd'hui, i tried my darndest to keep my big toe out of the spotlight at school. yet unfortunately for me once again, more than a few of my not-so-loyal charges felt obliged to publicly point out my prickly predicament. and as i came to learn over the course of the day, nylon tends to gradually give way once a tear has been unleashed. accordingly, what began as a small run around my big toe grew into a chasm the size of the grand canyon nearly enveloping all of the digits on my right foot. in fact, by the time i had returned home late this afternoon, i was fortunate to still be wearing a sock on my starboard side given the sheer enormity of the cavity that had developed. oh well, at least the package the stockings came in promised that if i was not completely satisfied with my purchase, i could return the item for a full refund. i suppose what took place this afternoon falls just short of complete satisfaction, don't you think?

"if you have embarrassed yourself and are going to laugh about it someday, you might as well start today.” - author unknown

i would prefer the auto-tune alacrity of kesha to the bombastic emptiness of gaga any day: