knees up

so i wore my favourite walking shorts to the job the other day for the first time this season. as i stood in front of the hallway mirror before heading off to work, i couldn't help but notice that something just didn't seem right. did i forget to iron my shorts? no. i'm too lazy to iron my shorts. did i forget to match my shorts to my polo top? no. i'm too stupid to match my shorts to my polo top. wait a minute. i know what's wrong. it's... it's my knees. my knees don't seem right. they seem... they seem funny. not funny ha-ha. funny... peculiar. funny... odd. oh my g-d! i know what's wrong now. living in a condo where the typical resident is somewhere around 102 years old means that i have learned a thing or two about the aging process. first and foremost among those lessons is that the skin around the knees of the elderly begins to droop and sag and wrinkle (and noticeably) as aging sets in. and now it appeared that my knees were finally starting to show their age. but what could i do? i already apply a generous portion of keri lotion to my knees every morning following a refreshing shower. and whenever necessary, i apply liberal doses of hydrocortisone cream to my knees to help fight the ravages of mild to moderate eczema. but this was serious. this was troubling. this was chronic. gulp. perhaps i would now be forced to resort to more extreme measures. hmmm. wait a minute. my mother recently visited her "physician" in order to discuss the possibility of "elective" surgery. apparently her "physician" comes highly recommended. not cheap, but highly recommended. maybe i should give him a ring. i'm already familiar with the ins and outs of the modern face lift. and the eye lift. and the forehead lift. but is there even a procedure available such as a knee lift? if not, i could make medical history. they could write about me in textbooks. i could become a folk hero to millions of highly disturbed seniors facing a lifetime of saggy knee issues. in the meantime, maybe there's a support group i could join. i know the ladies play bridge every thursday night in the building. i could ask them. miami beach, here i come.

"if only i knew then what i know now." - unknown

behold the eye of beauty: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YgsJQu1Gs0