itsy bitsy spider

so i'm driving to school this morning when right around christie and davenport i look down at my steering wheel and spot this enormous spider just lying there staring at me. (ok, so maybe he wasn't staring at me and maybe he wasn't so enormous and maybe he wasn't even a he but a she but still...) anyway, like most normal people i'm not exactly crazy about our eight-legged friends so i screamed a few times and then i swatted the little guy away. only it turns out that i swatted the little guy right onto my lap so now i'm trying to make the turn from davenport onto christie with a spider in my lap and i'm not exactly having a good time as you can imagine. you see, the problem was that i kept looking down to see if i could locate the whereabouts of my little visitor while simultaneously looking up to see if i could locate the whereabouts of the intersection i was passing through. then, just as i completed the turn onto christie, i spotted the spider in my lap so i screamed a few more times before i swatted him/her away a second time, only this time onto the passenger-side floormat. mercifully, a few minutes later i finally arrived at my destination so i quickly hopped out of my vehicle and closed the door behind me. but then it occurred to me that the spider was still hiding out somewhere inside my vehicle so naturally i began to dread the end of the day when i would be forced to confront the spider once again, only this time he/she would be royally pissed at me because i had kept him/her locked up inside a stiflingly hot vehicle for the better part of the day with the windows up.

"always do what you are afraid to do." - ralph waldo emerson

p.s. whatever happens on wednesday afternoon, i am enormously proud of my squad for coming together as a team and playing perhaps their finest game of the season earlier today. matched up against the toughest competition they have faced all year, the girls pulled out a convincing 15-3 victory over their crosstown rivals.

mood music from the royal tenenbaums: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHDbCC0Ongs&feature=related

the seven inevitable truths of life at the mcdonald's play place near bayview and eglinton

at least once every fifteen minutes:

1. a well-dressed father will rush back to the play place in a mad search for his missing blackberry

2. a 12-year-old, 120-pound kid will ruin it for all the little ones

3. an entire family of siblings will violate the "no socks, no play" rule

4. a half-eaten, muffin-less sausage patty will somehow find its way onto the swervy slide

5. my seven-year-old daughter will strike up a conversation with an eight-year-old stranger whom she will affectionately refer to as her "boyfriend" for the duration of the drive home

6. a middle-aged mother wearing one or more items from lululemon will address her child as taylor, tyler, harrison, madison, ethan, jackson or jaden

7. the repeated sound of a child's high-pitched scream will have at least one parent saying: "he's never like this at home"

better than the original, imho: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U18OrCoXpH8&feature=related

sneak peek inside my brain

summative time. ok, so there are roughly 30 kids in each of my business classes. i have 3 business classes. 3 times 30 is 90. in each class, there are roughly 3 kids who never hand in their work. that would probably include the summative. 3 times 3 is 9. 90 minus 9 is 81 - let's call it an even 80 just to keep it simple. today is may 30th. it says so above the post. there are 31 days in may. (quick knuckle check.) yup, 31 days in may. the accounting exam is on june 16th. i will start marking summatives tomorrow. i must be finished all 80 summatives before the accounting exam - to leave enough time to mark those exams. june 16th is not a marking day because i will be at school that day preparing for my accounting exam. that leaves exactly 16 days to mark 80 summatives: may 31st plus the 15 days in june before the accounting exam. 16 into 80 is 5. therefore, i must mark exactly 5 summatives a day in order to have all of my summatives done before the accounting exam.

this is my life.

i'm reminded of that magical moment at the talent show when the audience began to sing along to this piano melody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psuRGfAaju4

doctor heal thyself

doctor: good afternoon. how are you today?

patient: i'm fine doc. how are you?

doctor: i'm fine, thank you. so what seems to be the trouble today? it says here that you were referred to me by dr. v. is that correct?

patient: uh, yes it is. i have two questions for you doc.

doctor: ok, let's take them in order then. first question?

patient: uh, ok. about six months ago, i woke up one morning and noticed a large patch of hair was missing from my leg... right here, near the ankle.

doctor: let me take a look at that.

(pause)

doctor: hmmm. that's odd. do you wear socks?

patient: well, in the winter i do. doesn't everybody?

doctor: probably. does it hurt there?

patient: no.

doctor: does it itch?

patient: no.

doctor: does it burn occasionally?

patient: no.

doctor: so... what's the problem then?

patient: a large chunk of hair fell out of my leg, doc! that's not normal, is it?

doctor: well, no. it isn't.

patient: so, can you tell me why it happened then?

doctor: well, no. i can't. i mean, there could be any number of reasons for sudden hair loss.

patient: such as?

doctor: well... it could be due to stress. or poor circulation. or an allergy. or an injury. or tight socks.

patient: so... which one is it?

doctor: well, i don't know. you said it happened six months ago. that's a long time ago.

patient: but can't you tell me why you think it may have happened?

doctor: i just did. it could be stress or poor circulation or...

patient: ok. ok. i get it.

doctor: next question then?

patient: alright, about two years ago, i noticed a slight discolouration in the same area of my leg. see... right here. near the ankle. all these brown spots right here.

doctor: hmmm. that's interesting.

patient: so, what do you think it could be?

doctor: hmmm. i don't know exactly.

patient: well, don't you have any ideas? i mean, like uh, liver spots or age spots or varicose veins?

doctor: well, varicose veins are usually purple and they tend to protrude quite a bit. age spots and liver spots are essentially the same thing.

patient: so could they be age spots?

doctor: maybe.

patient: maybe?

doctor: maybe.

patient: well, isn't there a test or something to confirm whether they're age spots?

doctor: uh, no. not really. do they hurt?

patient: no.

doctor: do they itch?

patient: no.

doctor: do they burn occasionally?

patient: no.

doctor: hmmm.

patient: so, uh, how do you know then whether or not they're age spots?

doctor: well, we can usually tell just by looking at them.

patient: so then? are they age spots?

doctor: i can't tell.

patient: well, could it be something else then?

doctor: maybe.

patient: could they be related to the missing chunk of hair?

doctor: oh, i don't think so. but, uh, maybe.

(pause)

patient: ok, while i got you here doc, i may as well ask. now perhaps i'm goin' out on a limb here, but i was just wondering: could all of this - the hair loss, the spots - could all of this be a sign of skin cancer?

doctor: oh, i don't think so. i mean, uh, maybe. but i don't think so.

patient: maybe?

doctor: maybe. but i don't think so. anything else then?

patient: maybe?

the kid has a voice

seven came home with an inflatable electric guitar the other day. (don't ask why.) not a real guitar. not a toy guitar. an inflatable guitar, with painted-on strings and frets and tuning pegs. ok, so now there was a four-foot inflatable guitar in the house. it couldn't make any sounds. it couldn't break down. so how much damage could it possibly cause? and then something very odd happened. yesterday when i arrived home from our softball match, seven greeted me at the door, guitar in hand, with a song. not a miley cyrus song or a selena gomez song or a demi lovato song. a song i've never heard before. and when i asked her to tell me who the song belonged to, she replied, "me." huh? what do you mean, you? "i wrote the song, daddy." huh? what do you mean, you wrote the song? "i wrote the song. it's my song. wait... i'll show you." at that point, seven scurried off into her bedroom only to return a few seconds later with a sheet of lined paper in her hand. "you see. i wrote the song." she handed me the sheet of paper. on it were written words - lyrics - and the occasional musical note which she had learned to draw in music class. there was even a title. "sparks fly." not a bad title. i asked her to sing the song again. she obliged, only this time with more enthusiasm. strumming along, she delivered a mostly workmanlike performance. alright, so there wasn't really any chorus to speak of. just two verses followed by a lot of moaning. but the fact that she had actually written out the lyrics to the number was rather impressive. and her singing voice was getting better, too. and the funny thing is that i've never encouraged her to sit down and write a song or a poem or a novel or any sort of composition for that matter. in fact, i had no idea she enjoyed songwriting in the first place. instead, i spent the last five years trying to convince her to embrace baseball or soccer or tennis or ping pong or golf. and all to no avail. but apparently she loves to write songs. "sparks fly." who knew?

her favorite vid at the moment, for obvious reasons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-3vPxKdj6o

the system

"you bet on me like i bet on you." - jerry maguire (1996)

if one of the worst parts of my gig is saying good-bye to the kids i've gotten to know over the years then i suppose one of the best parts of my gig is welcoming back those same kids several years down the road. time to catch up and hear how life has been treating them. like yesterday, for instance. two of my stars from years past dropped by thursday afternoon to shoot the breeze and fill me in on what exactly they've been up to since we last spoke. not surprisingly, both were doing exceedingly well in their respective fields. one had just landed a summer position with the largest accounting firm on the planet. the other was busy with an online business and an information blog with plans to expand on both. i call them "stars" because back in the day, each showed enormous promise in terms of making it big on the outside. and yesterday, when they finally brought me up to speed as to their latest exploits, i must admit that i felt an enormous sense of pride because i had known them when they were still only talking about hitting the big time someday. back in school the girls were extremely motivated and diligent and perseverant. and so news of their recent achievements only served to reaffirm my belief that good things come to those who deserve it. and the most interesting part... the most interesting part is that both of these kids are genuinely nice individuals - despite the fields they are about to enter which sometimes call for toughness and aggressiveness. indeed, both girls have never failed to show respect and appreciation for those who supported them. and the modesty they display in the face of their impressive accomplishments is refreshing to say the least.

as many would attest to, i never miss an opportunity to detail the triumphs of my former charges to an entire classroom of my current charges, as i did once again this afternoon. the reason for doing so? to demonstrate to my current charges that hard work and dedication can occasionally lead to greatness in the long run. and to give my current charges something to aspire to and someone to be inspired by. nothing wrong with that, i reckon.

"that's how you become great, man. hang your ----- out there!" - jesus of copymat in jerry maguire (1996)

p.s. i mention d.w. to the kids all the time.

i'm trying to be nice but...

one, i have heard of metaphors and similes. and my point is that the metaphors and similes chosen by the founders "to gain a better understanding of the meaning of each one of those poses" are so silly that it is often difficult to perform those poses with a straight face. not unlike the decision of a & w executives to label their menu staples with names like "grandpa burger" and "cheddar bacon uncle burger" and "baby burger with cheese." love the burger. hate the name. that said, the entire piece was obviously written tongue-in-cheek (as is yours, i assume), so why anyone would be put off by my critique is beyond me.

two, i'm not really sure how you made the giant leap from biographies to g-d, although i assume (there's that word again) it has something to do with my use of the term "deify' in the entry. that said, my point is that i didn't pay $109 for 8 one-hour classes only to hear some nut rave about some other nut who made the move from the himalayas to hollister country. no, i paid $109 to experience excruciating pain in my lower back and thighs once a week. oh, and why do you imply that i'm not interested in "who" created us? because i am. all you had to do was ask.

three, i agree that bluntness can be detrimental at times in the world of business. but it can also be beneficial at times, as well. it all depends on where and when and how it is used. that said, my conversation with that woman hardly qualifies as "business." and i can assure you that i certainly know where and when and how to employ bluntness as opposed to, say, tact and diplomacy.

four, try humility.

the irony is in her name, but add a "y" just so there's no misunderstanding: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABYnqp-bxvg

what to write about... what to write about...

at first i was going to write about the nature of children as seen through the eyes of a t-ball coach. but then i decided that the parents of those children might resent the fact that their kids were being used as fodder for a post by a second-rate blogger like myself. then i thought i would use tonight's entry to tell someone at school what it is that i have been trying to tell that person going on two days now. but then i decided that the message i wanted to deliver was too important to communicate via any means other than good, old-fashioned face-to-face dialogue and so that conversation will have to wait until tomorrow (if at all). which leaves today's impromptu tai chi lesson at school as the eventual inspiration for tonight's entry.

a few months ago, i participated in about a half-dozen yoga classes at my local community centre before calling it quits for a number of reasons to be discussed shortly. this morning's crash course in the ancient art of tai chi provided much the same recipe in terms of grumbling and griping.

to begin with, why do the names of the poses in each of these traditional practices have to be so out-and-out silly? downward facing dog? sparrow's tail? extended puppy pose? diagonal plank? look, just call it what it is, would ya? lower back pain half stretch. hernia-inducing leg extension. i-could-do-that-when-i-was-18 spinal twist. now we're talking.

furthermore, what's with all the goofy preambles and prologues used to introduce every single stretch and pose and exercise throughout the lesson? jeez, my yoga instructor spent fifteen minutes at the start of our initial class more or less deifying the founder of the yoga movement she belonged to. fifteen minutes? on a gushing biography of some nut who lived in the mountains of nepal for six years before moving to san diego to open up a yoga studio? san diego?

and finally, why do adherents of ancient practices like tai chi and yoga and aerobics always seem to take themselves so damn seriously? there is a woman at my daughter's school who was telling me about the benefits of hot yoga the other day. apparently she had just come back from a weekend retreat where she had spent the better part of 72 hours seated in the lotus position inside an oversized sauna with a hundred or so dim-witted followers of some fellow named bikram sweating profusely and chanting mantras. when i told her that it sounded like she had joined a mind-control cult, she became enraged and suggested that i lacked culture and sensitivity (which, of course, i do), but still, why so hostile, lady?

namaste.

"if you keep giving off signals that you don't want to belong, people will eventually make sure that you don't." - pretty in pink (1986)

"if this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen." - jerry maguire (1996)

it's about nothing

there is a much-celebrated episode of seinfeld in which jerry and george somehow manage to land a deal with nbc studios to produce a half-hour sitcom based on their lives. one one point during a meeting with network executives, the boys are asked to describe the premise of their show. "it's about nothing," george attempts to explain. "the show is about nothing. for instance, jerry and i might go to the laundromat. there's an episode. or jerry and i might have lunch at a deli. there's another episode." i was reminded of that classic television moment earlier this afternoon when one of my students asked me if i didn't aspire to greater heights with respect to the subject matter of my blog posts. in other words, why didn't i write about more substantial topics in the pages of my online journal. well, truth be told, i don't write about more substantial topics because i don't wish to write about such topics. i'm quite content, thank you, to share my perspectives on the mundane trivialities of everyday existence with anyone who is willing to listen. i spilled tomato sauce on the only copy of my accounting exam. there's an entry. i spoke to my dermatologist concerning the loss of hair on my right shin. there's an entry. my seven-year-old advised me that she's getting married this weekend. there's an entry. painful canker sore. entry. nasty hangnail. entry. untimely zit. entry. hey, i've already suffered through what is affectionately known as my "blue period" (http://whatitiswhatitwaswhatitshallbe.blogspot.com/2010/04/big-picture.html) and the results were anything but satisfying. plainly put, being serious does nothing for me. in fact, from where i'm standing, life is most interesting when i choose to be flippant during times of expected solemnity. indeed, some of my best material has been delivered while waiting in hospital emergency rooms or seated in dentist chairs. so if you're looking for a frank discussion on the newsmakers of the day, go visit the cbc website or grab a copy of the globe and mail. but if you're content with an eye-popping expose on the buildup of callous on my left heel, then what it is is the place to be, baby.

"take your life seriously. don't take yourself seriously." - anonymous

can't remember if i've already linked to this vid or not: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fntl0mK3fzY

p.p.s. i must admit that zack attack is rather humorous in his replies. perhaps the fame and notoriety he has garnered thus far will lead to his own popular spinoff site much in the same way that whitney port parlayed her success on the hills into her own half-hour reality show entitled the city on mtv.

sweat it out

uh, it was kinda warm out there today. and i couldn't help but notice that the circulation inside room 120 can be a tad sluggish at times. ok, so i sweat a little bit on the job today. ok, so i sweat more than a little bit today. but the good news is that even if my latest diet doesn't work out, i can always look forward to wednesday, thursday and friday classes in order to shed a few more pounds before the weekend arrives. at one point this afternoon, the sweat was actually rolling off my nose and plopping onto the handouts i was distributing in class. at that moment i felt just like a puppy marking its territory with bodily fluids. (this is my classroom! stay away from my classroom!) later at softball practice, one of the girls observed how my arm appeared to be perspiring. i tried to explain that i had merely been wiping my brow with my forearm, but the damage had already been done. i was tarred for life as a sideshow freak. then during infield practice, my eyes began to burn from the salt of the sweat dripping from my forehead. i was even forced to halt proceedings for a few moments so that i could sponge the droplets from my eyelids with the aid of my old navy striped polo. and to add insult to injury, when i finally arrived home later in the day, my kid informed me that i was glistening. i was actually glistening. like a shiny new coin. and how the hell did a seven-year-old learn a word like "glistening" in the first place?

p.s. smile, kid. you're upsetting the natural balance of the universe.

because

because shrewd sounds more clever. or is it cleverer?

what died in here

so i hop on the elevator in my condo this evening and i'm met with the most god-awful odour i've ever encountered in my four-plus decades on the planet. my olfactory senses are working overtime as i attempt to process and identify what may be the most offensive stench in the history of western society. but i figure that my vertical descent will only last a few seconds so i decide to plug my nose and ride it out to the lobby. when the doors open, an elderly woman (is there any other kind in my complex) steps onto the car just as i step out and take my first breaths of freedom. but as i make my way down the hallway, i distinctly recognize the old lady gasping as she shrieks, "oh, my god!" seconds before the doors close. suddenly it dawns on me that my spinster neighbour may have just pointed the finger at me regarding the malodorous scent left behind. for a moment, i consider hurdling up the staircase to greet my geriatric accuser on her floor so that i can deny any and all responsibility for the pungent aroma. but then i reckon that such a gesture will only increase suspicion as far as my own culpability is concerned. instead, i cleverly decide to file a formal complaint about the disturbing fragrance with the concierge so as to create the impression that i, too, am equally troubled by the poor air quality inside the building's lift.

shrewd.

one man's agony is another man's ecstasy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkboXFd9dDU

uncomfortable

i was supposed to have a simple, uneventful meal with my two-year-old daughter this evening at the deli-style restaurant across the road. pizza bagels for myself and grilled cheese for the kid. but ten minutes or so into our supper, i noticed a family of four (mom, dad, sister, brother) seated about three tables away from us featuring an interesting dynamic. the daughter, maybe 19 or 20 years old, was clearly anorexic. she was extremely pale, her eyes were sunken, her arms were skeletal, and she kept staring at herself in the ceiling mirror above her head. and over the course of the next twenty or thirty minutes, she did not place even one bite of her giant caesar salad into her mouth. she played with her fork on several occasions, but not once did she draw that fork anywhere near her lips. almost as painful was watching the expression on her mother's face as mom pretended not to notice her daughter's struggle. in fact, from where i was seated, not a single word was exchanged amongst the family members throughout the duration of their meal. (how do you know that she was anorexic? maybe she was suffering from another illness? why didn't you mind your own business? why didn't you focus your attention on your daughter? why don't you spare us your hollow pity?) it made me contemplate how insignificant a behaviour like eating is to an individual like myself. i never really think about what it is that i'm doing while i shove a forkful of meat or pasta into my mouth. after all, to me it's just food. but i suppose to that girl in the restaurant, putting a fork into her mouth is one of the most formidable tasks that she will ever face in her lifetime. and to her parents and sibling, watching that battle unfold on a daily basis must be taking its toll.

some people wanna fill the world with sappy love songs

in response to a request from a lovesick puppy, here is my list of the cheesiest love songs in the history of modern music, many of which were released circa 1968, somewhat ironically:

• all out of love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWdZEumNRmI


• keep on loving you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-mw1HGJjdA
  
• daydream believer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQNqk54HPdE
  
• rock me gently http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnqkaH_EP_o
  
• seasons in the sun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd_Fdly3rX8
  
• if i can't have you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Do14z5ycic&feature=related
  
• summer nights http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yejFLJJ72Dk
  
• to love somebody http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykU8iSKkJR0
  
• sugar sugar http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGL4btEIoTo
  
• silly love songs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK9QVN0bpa4

by the way, i like each and every one of these songs.

no, seriously.

holy matrimony, batman!

seven attended her cousin's bat mitzvah today. i couldn't accompany her as i was forced to keep an eye on two for the afternoon. apparently two-year-olds and three-hour synagogue ceremonies just don't mesh very well. seven's latest appearance at a formal affair hosted by my side of the family reminded me of the dozens and dozens of functions that i have attended over the years. as the youngest members of our generation (and by a good twenty years or so), my brother and i have literally watched our cousins grow up before our eyes. and for me, it is wedding celebrations that have always held a special place in my heart... and stomach, but more on that to follow.

as both a teenager and later as an adult, i must admit that the best part about attending family weddings were the receptions that followed the formal exchange of vows. (often the ceremony itself would prove to be a test of my patience, and my legs, as i dutifully responded to the rabbi's cries of "please rise" and "please be seated" a good twenty times over the course of the morning-long service.)

when i was younger, wedding invitations meant being seated at the "kids table" which meant one thing and one thing only: we didn't have to eat all that crappy, high-class cuisine served to our parents. instead, special "kids menus" brought us the who's who of unfashionable finger foods: chicken fingers, mini burgers, cheesy pizzas and, of course, all-you-can-eat french fries. who needs three-course-meals and moonlight dancing when you've got greasy burgers and fries?

later, as a prospective young gentleman caller, i took great pride in being assigned a seat at the "singles table" as such a designation signalled my entry into the messy underbelly of adult relationships. watching others squirm as obvious attempts at matchmaking failed miserably provided me with hours and hours of entertainment during an otherwise uneventful evening sit-down meal.

and finally, as a married father of two, wedding receptions have allowed me the rare opportunity to abandon my parental duties in favour of spreading chaos and pandemonium via the medium of unsupervised children - namely, my own two unsupervised children. the way i look at it is this: a 10,000-square-foot reception hall, 300 relatives and four walls provide all the safety and security needed to house my two little whirlwinds. has anyone seen seven lately? oh, she's fine. she's over there by the band serenading uncle lou. does anyone know where two has gone? not to worry. she's by the dessert table tossing eclairs at aunt helen.

ah, the good old days.

"somebody wants to marry you?" - my mother's response to news that i was engaged

no love at table 9: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s5xsVHOJQs

this ain't homework helper

hopefully this will be the last time that my artistic integrity is compromised by the misuse of my blog for purely academic purposes. in response to the comment/question from mr or ms anonymous bbi, a survey location question for a spa venture would probably take the form of either:

a. how far would you travel to receive spa services? or

b. where do you normally receive spa services such as massages, exfoliations and manicures?

responses to (a) above would refer to distances in kilometres

responses to (b) above might include beauty salons, destination spas, medical spas or at-home treatments (professionally administered or self-administered)

hope that helps... and once again, let's make it the last time.

point counterpoint

thrust: so what exactly does the new designation "e.l.l." refer to?

parry: it refers to "english language learners."

thrust: you mean e.s.l. students?

parry: no, we don't use that term anymore.

thrust: how come?

parry: because it has been replaced with e.l.l.

thrust: yes, but how come?

parry: because e.s.l. was thought to carry negative connotations.

thrust: thought by whom?

parry: by the board. by the ministry. by educators.

thrust: and the negative connotations?

parry: the term e.s.l. was thought to carry a stigma.

thrust: a stigma? who exactly was being stigmatized?

parry: e.l.l. students.

thrust: how were they being stigmatized?

parry: some of them were being labelled second-class students because of their second language status.

thrust: labelled second-class students? by whom?

parry: by native english speakers.

thrust: they were? how do you know?

parry: we just know.

thrust: and who exactly is now considered an e.l.l. student?

parry: um, students whose first language is not english and who are learning english while they are also learning the curriculum content.

thrust: huh?

parry: non-native speakers who are learning english at the same time they are learning the curriculum material.

thrust: you mean e.s.l. students?

parry: we don't call them that anymore.

thrust: oh, that's right. now they're called english language learners. tell me, does that term include students who are taking regular english classes in high school? you know, like a grade 10 english class?

parry: only if the student is a non-native speaker.

thrust: you mean, only if they did not learn english as a first language.

parry: yes, that's right.

thrust: so only if they learned english as, say, a second language?

parry: or a third language.

thrust: and you were saying that those students who learned english as a second, or third or fourth, language are somehow stigmatized by the rest of the school population because they speak more than one language?

parry: that's not what i said.

thrust: stigmatized for speaking multiple languages. that's a source of embarrassment for them?

parry: no, i didn't say that. i said they were being singled out.

thrust: as second language learners?

parry: as english language learners.

thrust: and a seven-year-old kid learning grammar in grade school is not an e.l.l. student?

parry: not if he is a native speaker.

thrust: or she?

parry: not if he or she is a native speaker.

thrust: ok, just so i understand. one is not necessarily an e.l.l. student just because one is learning the english language?

parry: not necessarily.

thrust: and in order to be considered an e.l.l. student, one must be learning english as a non-native speaker... learning english not as one's native tongue but as an... as an additional language.

parry: yes.

thrust: as a... second language?

parry: perhaps as a second language.

thrust: or even a third language?

parry: perhaps.

thrust: but we no longer call those folks e.s.l. students?

parry: that is correct.

thrust: because we don't want to propagate a stigma against those students?

parry: yes.

thrust: the stigma of learning english not as a first language... but rather as a second or perhaps even as a third language.

parry: yes.

thrust: because kids look down on others who speak more than one language.

parry: i didn't say that.

thrust: hey, i just had a brilliant idea. what if we called them english as an additional language students? or eals for short.

parry: now you're being silly.


"unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth." - albert einstein

coward

most violent criminals are, by definition, cowards. murderers, rapists, robbers... their criminal behaviours tend to highlight their inherently cowardly tendencies. these craven and mean-spirited blights on humanity invariably seek out the most vulnerable and defenceless members of society - the young, the aged, the infirmed - in order to carry out their ignoble pursuits. and in terms of sheer gutlessness, no discussion of violent criminals would be complete without a nod to the unequivocally spineless and weak-kneed members of local street gangs. most street gangs tend to trade in two violent crimes in particular: staged muggings and drive-by shootings. in the former, potential victims are inevitably chosen on the basis of their supposed inability to fight back. accordingly, street robberies almost always involve multiple gang members preying on a single, defenceless victim. often the innocent party is left bloodied and bruised as a result of this confrontation. in the latter example, victims (frequently members of rival street gangs) are typically caught off-guard and unarmed by longtime foes who might fire off several rounds in the general direction of their intended target before scattering like subway mice. somewhat ironically, membership in street gangs is often held up as a sign of maturity and manhood and even machismo. and yet, when one takes a few moments to examine the conventional modus operandi of these brazen street punks, one can see that these wretched and despicable hoodlums are hardly the embodiment of valiance or boldness. quite the contrary, in fact, as the daily transgressions of the prototypical gang member tend to suggest that those who perform these heinous misdeeds are in serious need of a gut check and a head shake.

p.s. and in terms of reassuring words, i suppose the only solace i can offer is the following: there are more of us than them

not a top ten list

a wise man once told me that if i could learn 10 new things a day - about myself, about others, about the world in general - then my day would have been complete. and so, in no particular order, here are 10 things that i learned today, wednesday, may the 19th, 2010:

1. good things come to those who deserve it... eventually

2. no matter how many times you assure someone that you are telling her the truth, if she doesn't want to believe you then nothing you say or do is going to change her mind

3. i don't really have a favourite jonas brother

4. a win is not a win if it comes at a price that one is not willing to pay

5. in any right-angled triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the opposite two sides... who knew?

6. the true nature of one's character can only be fully appreciated in times of adversity

7. some girls should never be given access to a bullhorn

8. sometimes by taking responsibility for one's failures, you prove yourself successful

9. when you put a seven-year-old boy at third base, you should expect him to eat a little bit of sand every now and again

10. there is no substance more impenetrable than loyalty

if i had tear ducts, this would probably bring a tear to my eye (and close your eyes when you listen): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5X6-p1ocog

best friends forever

about a year or so ago, i attended a very intriguing conference at a nearby high school (on a pd day, no less) on the topic of youth and new media. it was actually a one-man seminar presented by a well-known canadian media pundit (whose name escapes me now) attempting to provide practical advice to educators (fancy word for teachers) on how to better understand young people in the face of emerging communication and entertainment technologies. the crux of the speaker's message was this: today's kids have exploited modern technologies to the point where they now view the world through an entirely different prism than the one used by previous generations. blah, blah, blah. alright, so i wasn't exactly buyin' everything this sharpie was sellin', but at least one point advanced during the afternoon session certainly stood out in my mind. the point was this: modern youth have a wholly unique take on friendship and intimacy compared to the societal norms that my peer group grew up with. more specifically, generation y primarily views friendship as a collective experience to be shared by the larger social group one belongs to, whereas those of my era perceived friendship as something to be cherished between two (and only two) individuals. nowhere is this distinction between the ages better highlighted than in an examination of generational film cultures. the contemporary motion picture example cited by the speaker in support of his thesis was the iconic high school musical franchise. you know... troy, gabriella, sharpay and the rest of the triple threat gang from creatively-titled east high. it is interesting, the speaker noted, how each of the installments in the hsm chain concludes with the entire gang huddled together in song and dance, whether it be in a school gymnasium, a country club swimming pool or at an outdoor graduation ceremony. compare those finales with the seminal youth films of my adolescence - specifically those of director john hughes and his molly ringwald trilogy (sixteen candles, breakfast club and pretty in pink). by the close of each of those celluloid classics, molly ringwald's character had succeeded in isolating the boy of her dreams, be it on top of a dining table, inside a high school detention hall or outside of her senior prom. but more significantly, the message of the filmmaker responsible for these 80's exemplars was clear: friendship and intimacy can only be truly enjoyed alongside one other person. the moral behind the hsm trilogy, on the other hand, moves in an entirely different direction: in those films, friendship and intimacy can only be achieved via the pursuit of multiple, simultaneous relationships with as many persons as possible. and given the predominance of hsm culture in schools today, perhaps that explains why i am always so surprised to observe two best friends at my place of work behaving like two best friends used to behave in my day: namely, spending almost all of one's free time with one another to the exclusion of all others. that type of relationship just doesn't seem to exist anymore amongst the younger set. even my seven-year-old daughter has fallen prey to modern norms and conventions surrounding companionship. just ask her who her "best friend" is these days and you will likely hear seven different names on seven different days. i, on the other hand, can name each and every one of my best friends growing up, and in chronological order i might add, from the time i entered kindergarten until the present day: to wit, m.a. followed by j.m. followed by a.s followed by m.w. followed by a few unfortunate others. a proud accomplishment, i would argue, and one that characterizes both the time and the place i came of age in.

"truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." - unknown

the epitome of friendship: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q92koTpH6Gg&feature=related and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMeU1XO9RUc and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE1CwsNw7yY but not this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FN89jWaw8s&feature=related

feldstein and weisblott, dds

so how come nobody wears a headgear anymore? what's a headgear, you may ask? you know... a headgear. that odd-shaped, space-age looking, shiny metallic orthodontic device that wraps around your skull like a cross between a football facemask and a headset mike. i was just reminded of that nightmarish dental appliance when i suddenly awoke a few minutes ago after unintentionally dozing off on the couch with my eyeglasses still firmly attached to my noggin'. you should know that i never nod off with my glasses on for fear of rolling over in my sleep and snapping my spectacles in two. similarly, when i was 13 years old and recently fitted with my first headgear apparatus courtesy the smiling sadists at feldstein and weisblott, dds, i experienced similar neuroses concerning my orthodontists' advice to install my remedial appliance from dusk to dawn. i had been instructed to wear my headgear overnight for 18 consecutive months in order to correct an alleged overbite. but what if i roll onto my face during the night, i inquired. "well, i suppose that you'll have to sleep on your back then throughout the night," was my dental specialists' suggestion. but what if i turn over while i'm asleep... after all, i'll be out cold so i won't know what i'm doing until it's too late, i retorted. what if my headgear snaps and it pokes my eyes out, doc? "ah, don't worry. we haven't lost a patient yet," was the best they could provide in terms of reassuring counsel. for a few weeks, i heeded their advice and did my best to station myself on my spine for the duration of the evening with my headgear firmly fastened in place. i did this with the aid of several pillows propped up on either side of me and a promise from my brother to check in on me every hour or so until the sun came up the following morning (i guess my brother was a bit of an insomniac at the time). needless to say, sleep was something i no longer looked forward to during this period of my life. and so a few months into this experiment in nocturnal torture, i quite reasonably decided to free myself of my orthodontic chains in favour of lying to my dental professionals about the frequency with which i wore my corrective device. ah, gimme a break. you would have done the same thing. anyway, getting back to my introductory inquiry... so how come nobody wears a headgear anymore? hmmm... 'nuff said.

p.s. we may be the most dysfunctional 5-0 team on the planet, but this afternoon we played like champs once again. it truly was a sight to behold. we hit the ball. we caught the ball. we threw the ball. final score: 14-0. and after last wednesday's "discussion" with my ballplayers, today the girls showed why they provided me with so much reason for optimism in the first place. perfection. almost.

"this is a very simple game. you throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." - bull durham (1988)

p.p.s. is it just me, or does rs sound like a middle-aged psychoanalyst when he comments?

a night at the opera

or more accurately, a day at the showcase - my seven-year-old daughter's dance showcase, to be precise. seven's grade one jazz troupe was performing earlier today to the music of the counting crows (but not my favorite song from the band) and so the entire family, including grandma and stepdad three, were in attendance. and now for some wry and not-so-wry observations from my afternoon at the toronto centre for the arts:

uno, candy is expensive at the theatre. and why are licorice and peanuts for sale at the theatre in the first place? and speaking of expensive... the price of bottled water is absolutely through the roof. (i may as well have been at the rogers centre where, for some reason, they always try to confiscate my bottle top. but i digress.) and speaking of liquids, the fellows in the funny bow ties behind the counter wouldn't let me drink my fruit juice from the bottle. instead they insisted on pouring my beverage into a plastic cup. which is silly, because the juice already comes in a plastic bottle. but i guess it looks classier if i drink my fruit juice from a plastic cup rather than a plastic bottle. assuming it's possible to make fruit juice look classy in the first place.

dos, i simply cannot watch my daughter perform on stage. the reason? i am much too concerned that she may suffer a mishap during her number. oh, come on. the kid has broken her arm, battled a concussion, dislocated her shoulder, had more than a few baby teeth knocked out, and the list goes on. look, i'm the kid's father. i don't want to see her screw up in front of a roomful of strangers. so i'm a little anxious. so i closed my eyes a few times. so i said a few prayers. so what's the big deal? hey, in the end, it all worked out. i'm told that her performance went off without a hitch.

tres, rich folks and their progeny love to play with their gadgets in the dark. cell phones, blackberries, digital cameras, nintendos, ipods. in the murky shadows of the darkened theatre during today's matinee, there always seemed to exist a trail of lcd lights somewhere in the distance. some of those lights were pointed towards the stage, while others were poorly hidden beneath jackets and behind chair backs. hey, those are your kids on stage, in case you haven't noticed! just pay attention to them! unless you're too nervous to watch, that is.

cuatro, there is a lot of bad plastic surgery on display at the theatre in this city. and i mean alot. i think today's tawdry turnout had something to do with the simultaneous showing of jersey boys in the hall next door. i caught wind of some potential malpractice lawsuits during the intermission. most of the serious theatre crowd attending that show (especially the older, female set) seemed like they had just rolled out of their hairdresser's swivel chair. leather pants were not an uncommon sight either. but most noticeably of all, those grand dames of the dress circle couldn't help but smile throughout the entirety of the afternoon. a bad facelift will do that, after all.

cinco, why must i always feel the need to deliver at least five quick-witted insights on every issue i discuss? what's wrong with only four? four is a decent number. there are four seasons. and four corners of the universe. and four horsemen of the apocalypse. and the fantastic four. and four members of the beatles. and the monkees. and abba. (but have you ever noticed that boy bands typically have five members? while girl groups usually have only three? of course, the counting crows currently have seven. but i digress. again.)

the dance number from adam and the boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75OSZElYB9E

and now my favorite number from adam and the boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs

and now an entirely unrelated number from pete townshend featuring a cool homemade video put together by five friends from beantown who, despite their quintet dimensions, do not consider themselves a boy band: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-DP-dRcCjM

understatement

i guess you had some free time this weekend. ahem.

face it, it's almost over

so i gave up on facebook a few months ago. i knew i wanted nothing to do with the world's most popular social networking site when one of my "friends" posted pictures of his son lying in a hospital bed after suffering a terrible gash on his face. apparently my "friend" believed that his network connections were interested in viewing images of his offspring bleeding from the lip at sick kids. smile for the camera, josh, and say hello to my 782 "friends." and then there are all those oddball page suggestions. and what about all those weirdo group invites? and the birthday requests. and the cafe gift requests. and the zoo world gift invitations. and the eggs. (what's the deal with the eggs?) and, of course, how could i forget all those friend requests from individuals i have yet to have the pleasure of meeting in the first place. not to mention the fact that i still don't understand the difference between posting a comment versus posting from wall to wall. and even though i was once taught how to leave a reply that remains entirely private (thanks jc), beats me if i can recall how to do that anymore. but what really troubles me about facebook is the rampant narcissism that pervades the site. and believe me when i say that i know everything there is to know about rampant narcissism. to illustrate, here's just a sample of some recent profile updates within my circle of influence:

• "taking a nap"
• "having a coffee"
• "off to the zoo"
• "just back from the movies"
• "decided to sleep in"

um, this is what facebook aficionados are writing about? naptime and coffee breaks? ok, so i admit that i'm a bit of a hypocrite when it comes right down to it. ok, maybe more than just a bit of a hypocrite. i will concede that when it's my silly status updates or my funny family portraits or my whimsical witticisms that are being posted, i don't take nearly as much offence as when those contributions are being delivered by another. and quite frankly, my blog entries probably contain just as much self-absorbed fluff as do any decent facebook update. probably more, in fact. so what's my beef then? well, to be honest, at this late hour i can no longer recall what i was whining about in the first place. que sera. and thank g-d for blogger.

"but enough about me. let's talk about you then. so... what do you think of me." - bette midler

i'm still alive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbhsYC4gKy4

me, myself and i

there's a kid at school that i see every day on the third floor during the lunch hour. he is always seated alone on the linoleum, cross-legged, in a corner of the hallway. i have noticed the kid since september. whenever i spot him, he is usually eating his lunch from a paper bag - a sandwich and a juice box, as far as i can tell. he never has a book or a mobile device in his hand, like some of the others do. it's just he and the lunch bag. he appears lonely, although i suppose i shouldn't jump to any conclusions. at the very least he is always alone, at least whenever i catch sight of him around the noon hour. sometimes i wonder what is going through his head as he glimpses flocks of boisterous teenagers making their way past him on their way to wherever it is that boisterous teenagers make their way during the lunch period. i don't necessarily feel pity or sympathy for him, but i do occasionally ask myself if there is something i could do to... well, if there is something i could do for him. should i assume that he is, in fact, feeling lonesome after trying unsuccessfully to make friends or would that be condescending on my part? after all, i am a bit of a loner, in case you haven't noticed. or should i just let him be? perhaps the lunch hour represents his own personal fortress of solitude where he is able to gather strength and energy while he nourishes his mind and rejuvenates his soul. or perhaps he is, in fact, the loneliest kid at my school. my mother has often told me that when i was a young boy in elementary school, i frequently expressed empathy for the new kid in class who was trying to fit in and make friends. (i personally have no memory of these incidents, as i have no memory of any incidents prior to my thirteenth birthday, but i also have no reason to doubt my mother's sincerity.) so perhaps that may explain why i always seem to notice this one boy at school seated in a corner of the hallway flying solo as he enjoys his lunch. assuming he is actually enjoying his lunch, that is.

and an island never cries: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My9I8q-iJCI

eye in the sky

let me just begin by saying that i am very much an internal locus of control kind of guy. by that i mean that i have always believed that we are all ultimately responsible for our own futures. fate or destiny play little or no part in my world order. that said, i also very much believe that there is something or someone out there keeping an eye on proceedings here on earth. call it faith or spirituality or g-d or a higher power or whatever. but i am certainly of the opinion that we are not alone on this giant blue rock as we all speed our way to the celestial finish line. and events like those of today only serve to reinforce my belief system. without going into details, let's just say that there is absolutely no way that today's matters could have unfolded merely as a result of sheer coincidence or sublime serendipity. a simple request was made - involving a fair offer and not a greedy appeal - and a response was almost immediately forthcoming. thereafter, as if to ensure that the message was received, a second signal was delivered that, once again, defies the odds of mere happenstance. again, without going into details, this was no simple stroke of luck. scoff if you wish, but you weren't there to feel what i felt.

"if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." - sheryl crow

his voice has often been described as angelic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro8NeiMJL_o&feature=related

road rage

Cycling and The Law (from the Ontario Ministry of Transportation website)

A bicycle is a vehicle under the Ontario Highway Traffic Act (HTA). This means that, as a cyclist, you have the same rights and responsibilities to obey all traffic laws as other road users. Cyclists charged for disobeying traffic laws will be subject to a minimum set fine.

The following are key sections of the HTA concerning cyclists:

HTA 144/136 - Traffic signals and signs - drivers shall stop for red lights and stop signs and comply with all other signs. Set fine: $85.00

um, are you kidding me? cyclists are required by law to obey all traffic laws? there are traffic laws for cyclists? are cyclists aware of this? are any of them aware of this?

i have chosen two of the 228 current sections of ontario's highway traffic act as an example. sections 136 and 144 of the hta require all cyclists to come to a complete stop at all red lights and stop signs. i have been driving a car in the city of toronto for more than twenty years now. i can honestly say that i can probably count on one hand the number of times a cyclist has come to a stop at a stop sign in my presence. and if a cyclist did come to a stop at a stop sign in my presence, it was only because that cyclist was about to enter an extremely busy intersection and had no choice but to stop to avoid, say, being killed by a passing vehicle (those of the two tonne variety no less). but in the middle of the day, in a quiet residential neighbourhood, asking a cyclist to stop peddling at a passing stop sign is like asking a chihuahua to stop barking at a passing dalmation. uh, it ain't gonna happen, kids. but what really irks me about cyclists is their sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude towards all other vehicles on the road. cyclists are the first to complain when a motorist cuts them off or throws open a car door. but could you imagine the carnage on the roads that would ensue if motorists flouted traffic regulations with the same frequency that cyclists do? here's the 411 on motor vehicle drivers. the vast majority of motorists adhere to the vast majority of traffic laws. now here's the scoop on bicycle operators. the vast majority of cyclists flagrantly disregard the vast majority of traffic rules. this ain't theory, folks. this is fact. just get into your car and see for yourselves. drive through any bedroom community in the city of toronto and observe the behaviour of the typical cyclist as compared to the typical motorist. i will summarize my own observations for you now. the typical cyclist will use the road any way he/she sees fit. if a cyclist is approaching a red light and there doesn't appear to be any cross-traffic, that cyclist will simply speed through the traffic signal. scofflaw! the typical motorist, on the other hand, will most certainly come to a complete stop for the duration of that same red light. this occurs even when there is no cross-traffic to speak of. in fact, in all of my years of driving, i have probably spotted fewer than a dozen cars run a red light, and most of those incidents occurred as a result of driver error (as the motorist was simply not paying attention). at the same time, over the past twenty years or so, i have probably witnessed perhaps a dozen cyclists actually wait out a red light at a quiet intersection. the rules of the road simply do not apply to cyclists, it would appear.

i really have to write down some of the funny stuff that i hear from the kids at work. maybe they remember what they said this afternoon that had me rolling in the aisles with laughter, because i sure as hell don't.

so how come we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMLoUTBy47U&feature=related

i think i can

they say there are two kinds of people: those who admit to their insecurities and those who lie about their insecurities. after four decades, i have yet to meet someone who, once comfortable in my presence, would not admit to at least some form of doubt or uncertainty over his/her abilities. it would seem to me then that insecurity (as much as hope and faith and longing) belongs to the natural order of things. and yet so many individuals continue to expend so much valuable energy attempting to conceal their obvious anxieties. i suppose that we, in western societies, still tend to treat the public disclosure of one's insecurities as a sign of weakness or instability. and so we indirectly encourage the suppression of entirely ordinary expressions of insecurity that make up such an integral component of the human condition. how many lives have been ruined by the scourge of doubt and the plague of uncertainty? how many persons have failed to reach their true potential owing to the bane of unsustainable pressure and the burden of unreasonable expectations? and for the record, i fully concede that i, too, am wholly guilty of creating this bane and this burden for others on more than a few occasions in the not-so-distant past. shame.

"getting on top is easy, staying on top is hard." - anonymous

difficult subject, strong message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMXnX_vNGTM

writer's block

sometimes i just don't feel like writing. depending on my mood, this sentiment may hang around for hours or days or even weeks. my current bout of writer's block has been nagging me for two or three days now. as for the cause, your guess is as good as mine. let's see. i haven't been particularly busy with marking of late. i haven't returned home suffering from a significant headache of late. and i certainly haven't been lacking in relevant subject matter of late either. quite the contrary, in fact, as there are indeed oodles and oodles of topical themes i could expound upon these days. truth be told, my head is absolutely bursting with juicy topics for this forum at the moment. but when it comes right down to sitting down and putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), i just don't seem to have the patience to follow through from start to finish of late. that said, i'm not particularly worried about this dearth of creative energy on my part. after all, i have been down this listless road many times before. and in the end, i always seem to locate my inner voice before long. but at the same time, this literary game of hit and miss can be a little disconcerting at times. i mean, i would like to think that whenever called upon, i could sit myself in front of a computer and bang out at least a few words that are worthy of my byline. besides, how can this blog act as a cathartic release of my innermost hopes, dreams and aspirations when i can't even bring myself to pull together a few coherent sentences every 24 hours or so? it's like i once said: dancers dance. singers sing. bloggers blog. that's just the way it is. oh well, i just hope i can find the intellectual and fortitudinous wherewithal to compose a decent entry by the time the sun sets on yet another day.

"sir, sometimes you just have to learn how to meet the ladies half way." - insightful grade 12 student

if it's good enough for fergie, it's good enough for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7HahVwYpwo

bonus marks

so the kids in my class wrote a chapter test the other day. most of them finished early so, to keep them busy, i asked them to draw a picture on the back of their tests for bonus marks. many of them chose to sketch a caricature of yours truly. many of those caricatures contained text balloons that presented some rather humorous (and occasionally unflattering) insights into the mindset of, once again, yours truly. among the highlights:

• i am covered in hair from head to toe
• i routinely borrow excel blue from my students
• i simultaneously fear and loathe crustaceans due to either severe childhood allergies or strict religious dietary laws
• i like to dwell on the musical genius of phil collins, mike rutherford and tony banks (and yes, even peter gabriel) whenever the opportunity presents itself
• i am freakishly tall and have been so since the age of seven or so
• i grow facial hair at a rate unknown to ordinary mankind
• i harbour a somewhat unhealthy obsession with old navy graphic tees and discount polos from ralph lauren
• i reminisce about chinese buffets the way others reflect fondly on their childhood summers spent at the cottage
• i favour the handling and stylishness of honda over the comfort and reliability of toyota
• i shamelessly promote the exploits of my softball team, my two children and the great nation of america to the point of nausea
• i use sarcasm the way others use oxygen
• i have trouble learning/memorizing/pronouncing my students' names, even after spending eight months in class with them
• i most resemble tv characters ross, kramer or seinfeld, depending on the way my hair turns out that day

oh well. it is what it is.

"excuses are simply explanations for failure." - anonymous

cool video. cooler song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dTWafXBEMk

minoxidil and me

not that this blog should ever be mistaken for the weather network, but for the record, it's may 8th and it's snowing out there. that said, i just returned from an evening at the pickle barrel with my best bud. i had the meatloaf and mashed potatoes. the last time i ordered this item, i bit into a small piece of glass. i was rewarded with a free meal at the time. tonight i was only fortunate enough to bite into a small piece of egg shell. my reward this time: i learned from my waiter that meat loaf is typically prepared with an egg and bread crumbs so as to bind the ground beef. apparently the egg and bread crumbs combine to form a paste. but as for the free meal... no such luck, although i did ask for one in my politest of polite voices. after dinner my pal and i stopped by the shoppers down the street in order to pick up a few items. while i was meandering up and down the shampoo aisle, i stumbled across the rogaine. you know... rogaine. the first pharmaceutical product medically proven to treat hereditary hair loss. in case you haven't noticed, i'm starting to thin out a little bit upstairs. both on top and in front. not a good place to be for a narcissist like me. anyhow, i picked up the rogaine and began to read the instructions on the side of the box. then i happened upon the possible side effects. chest pain or rapid heartbeat? faintness or dizziness? sudden, unexplained weight gain of five pounds or more? swollen hands or feet? unusual lesions? wait a minute. unusual lesions? aren't all lesions unusual? hey, rogaine goes on your head, doesn't it? or maybe it doesn't, 'cause later on in the instructions, the following was written: "rogaine should be applied only to the scalp. the risk of side effects may be greater if it is applied to other parts of the body." other parts of the body? why would anyone apply rogaine to other parts of the body? you think fellows looking for more chest hair are rubbing rogaine into their pecs? you think fellows looking for more facial stubble are rubbing rogaine into their cheeks? come to think of it, maybe this is a world i don't want any part of.

"hey sir, why don't you just wear a hat?" - insolent grade 10 student

the lotion and the powder have made a paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRLJXhlOf1M

five for fighting

five thoughts on my mind at the moment:

one, as previously discussed, my two-year-old has a bit of a pronunciation problem. as a result, she has been seeing a speech therapist for several months now. over time, her articulation has improved somewhat, but not rapidly enough in my estimation to warrant any resounding cheers of triumph. but then, during tonight's thunderstorm, she turned to me at the dinner table and stated in a clear, strong voice, "the thunder and lightning is scary, daddy." i nearly fell out of my chair with wonder. notwithstanding her failure to grasp the niceties of subject-verb agreement, this was probably the first time she has ever uttered a phrase of such complexity that i actually understood. who could have seen that coming? i felt like i had been struck by lightning.

two, during an after school chat today with one of my senior students, the subject of peer pressure came up again and again. at one point during our dialogue, my young charge made the case that she should probably trust the little voice inside her head when confronted with difficult decisions. i took issue with her general hypothesis, however, noting that sometimes it is more advantageous in the long run to abandon one's instincts (fears? insecurities?) in favour of a why-not, what-the-hell attitude as long as that approach does not threaten one's personal safety or integrity. my argument was that every now and again, it may be to one's benefit to experiment with the boundaries of one's tolerance in order to determine whether those personal boundaries had been set too narrowly in the first place. we agreed to disagree.

three, if i am to die of a heart attack one day (not an unlikely scenario), it will probably take place on a baseball diamond somewhere in southern ontario. for today i realized that i take this game much too seriously. the clue? i spent over 90 minutes this evening preparing my lineup for next tuesday's match against one of the weaker teams in our division. and as of this hour, i still don't know which of our players will be available to compete in next week's contest. i even caught myself employing contingency models involving alternative scenarios assuming the presence or absence of certain players from my roster. yes, i have absolutely no idea what that means either.

four, for what seemed like the 384th time since i moved into this condominium five years ago, tonight i was forced to listen to a story about the names of the grandchildren of one of my elderly neighbours who had trapped me alongside my daughters inside the building's elevator system. "so, is this seven and two?" uh, yes it is. and you should know that by now since you've probably asked me that question 384 times since i moved into this condominium five years ago. "oh, i also have a granddaughter named seven. with an h. does your daughter spell her name with an h?" uh, no, she doesn't. and you should know that by now since you've probably asked me that question 384 times since i moved into this condominium five years ago. "and what about little two? does little two spell her name with an h?" uh, yes she does. and you should probably... ok, so you see where this is going then.

and five, as i made my way up and down the aisles of my local metro earlier this evening, i couldn't help but recognize the soft strains of the top ramen instant japanese noodles calling out to me just a few feet away. as you recall, it has been several months since i swore off those tender, juicy, artificially-flavoured prefab noodles in a cup. maybe i'm in withdrawal. maybe i'm hallucinating. or maybe i'm just itching for a fix of perhaps the most delicious hot water treat known to mankind. whatever the symptoms, i've got 'em bad and i need something, anything to take my mind off my cravings. and pronto. otherwise, i'm afraid that i may not be accountable for my actions. help.

"you have enemies? good. that means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - winston churchill

"with the pride of the artist, you must blow against the walls of every power that exists the small trumpet of your defiance." - norman mailer

"do not follow where the path may lead. go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail." - ralph waldo emerson

"not all those who wander are lost." - j.r.r. tolkien

"read, every day, something no one else is reading. think, every day, something no one else is thinking. do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. it is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity." - christopher morley

as promised: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRz4FY0ZcwI

my shortest post ever

this is the one i was talking about. i stumbled across this little nugget of wisdom on thinkexist.com last night. kinda hits the nail on the head, methinks.

"sometimes we put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." - unknown

god only knows

dear humanity,

i know that many of you are fond of writing to me asking for explanations as to some of my more seemingly arbitrary decisions. and i know that many of you often question my sense of fairness and equity and justice. and i know that many of you even question my very existence at times. but i am here to say that i do exist, that i operate on a higher plane of awareness than do you in terms of fairness and equity and justice, and that ultimately there is a method to my madness. for i exist with a greater purpose in mind, one that has not been fully revealed to you just yet. i exist within a greater realm of understanding than any of you can fully comprehend at this time. and while i am on the subject of comprehension and understanding, i also have a few questions for you. for instance, why do you insist on abandoning the people that you care most about? and why do you harm one another wantonly and without cause? and why do you fail to show respect and admiration for your loved ones? for yours is not the reason that i placed you here on earth. instead, i would like you to explore all of the avenues of your being and become the best possible persons that you can be. and when you fail, as you inevitably will, i want you to look upon your failures as an opportunity to learn something about yourselves. after all, i have only provided you with a limited series of opportunities here on earth and so i urge you to employ these opportunities as wisely as possible. i understand that you will all struggle through days that appear more difficult than others, but your basic humanity should never be forsaken. after all, your humanity is the one gift i have bestowed upon you that will remain with you until the day i call you back.

turnabout is fair play: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk41Gbjljfo

p.s. sometimes an apple is just an apple

soundtrack to my life

for some, music is the medium that serves to stoke the embers of long-forgotten memories. for others, it is cinema that arouses distant recollections of days gone by. and for a few it is indeed the combination of these cultural touchstones that summons the glory once known. i certainly fall into the latter of these categories, at least to the extent that the music found in certain films tends to bring me back to the times and places i alternatively embrace or eschew. and so, without further hesitation and in no particular order, i now present the music (and movies) of my life:

1. the best song from the best scene from the best film: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qbfg96JcZ9A
2. you had me at hello: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lx_x6jMCxAY
3. who could hang a name on you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKnvD5Ok5iY
4. sometimes you gotta say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2UVsyVLLcE
5. magic school bus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qn3tel9FWU
6. welcome to reality: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N41gOPiMNVs&feature=fvw
7. hair gel and a blow dryer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phwOOmFYudU&feature=related
8. 8-ball in the corner pocket: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrjSqK7xPLE
9. rock n' roll high school: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAoXqg4oFC4
10. a beautiful girl can make you dizzy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmwBYGrBsYU
11. love the way you dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZCtgFmQvjQ&feature=related
12. john hughes got it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNXxSbk27RI

"if we didn't tire of our parents at some point, we might never choose to leave home." - anonymous

confessions of a circus freak

i possess exactly five unique and slightly peculiar talents. one, i can balance, release and then recapture 59 coins from my elbow. two, i can twirl a metre stick between my fingers for hours on end. three, i can snare a baseball tossed at my head at very high speeds. four, i can crack the toe knuckles on my right foot over and over and over again without allowing for the build-up of lactic acid. and five, i can set my internal alarm clock at bedtime on any given night and then wake the next morning within minutes of my predetermined rise-and-shine time. no batteries required. no snooze button. no loud ticking.

indeed, ever since i was a wee little lad, i could remind myself at day's end that i had to be up the following morning at a specific time and voila, when daybreak hit i was always amazed to learn that my internal urgings had somehow come to fruition. for example, last night i implored the gods of early rising to rouse me from my slumber at exactly 6:15 this morning so that i could make my way into work before the rush of morning rush hour. lo and behold, before the sun could peek its head over the horizon earlier today, i had risen to attention and sprung out of bed at precisely 6:15 a.m. on the button. uncanny but not unusual. need a nap? no problemo. i just tell myself prior to lights out at what hour i have to be up-and-at-'em and when the time comes, i inevitably shoot to life like a madman shot out of a cannon. truth, it would appear, is stranger than fiction.

"fatigue is the best pillow." - benjamin franklin

the voice of our (your) generation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0YH-s4jmCU

p.s. while two is a notoriously light sleeper, often waking at the sound of heavy sighs emanating from an adjoining room, seven has been known to snooze through the occasional nuclear holocaust

how to smoke a banana peel

"people in positions of authority are prepared to lie to you in order to control your lives." - distinguished visitor to room 120

and he would know, having spent years and years rubbing shoulders with some of society's most powerful and influential men and women. his point was simple: don't believe everything you're told, especially by those who claim to have your best interests at heart. when you're told to do something, always respond with "why?" when you're told that something is fact, always respond with, "how do you know?" when you're told that something is good for you, always respond with, "according to who?" blind obedience is the antithesis of an enlightened citizenry. for i, too, have witnessed myriad examples of persons in positions of authority preaching their dogma as reality to those under their tutelage. their objectives for doing so may be as diverse as their preachings, but one thing remains uniform: the desire to impose their will on those less assured than they. yet i certainly don't expect my charges to support every position i advocate, just as i don't support every position advocated by my charges. the truth is that i don't really know the truth, but rather only my understanding and interpretation of the truth at any given point in time. that said, i have never held a position that i knowingly believed to be wrong. why would i? but i am just smart enough to recognize that i may not be smart enough to know all of the answers all of the time. (most of the time, yes, but all of the time...?) and i assume that my charges are bright enough to recognize that my teachings are no more than mere expressions of my personal experiences and perspectives dressed up as sound pedagogical delivery. if not, then at least all has been laid bare by this latest entry.

"see, man, that's the difference between us. you think we're fighting, i think we're finally talking." - jerry maguire (1996)

just one man's opinion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKgOe1Rl8YY