a night at the opera

or more accurately, a day at the showcase - my seven-year-old daughter's dance showcase, to be precise. seven's grade one jazz troupe was performing earlier today to the music of the counting crows (but not my favorite song from the band) and so the entire family, including grandma and stepdad three, were in attendance. and now for some wry and not-so-wry observations from my afternoon at the toronto centre for the arts:

uno, candy is expensive at the theatre. and why are licorice and peanuts for sale at the theatre in the first place? and speaking of expensive... the price of bottled water is absolutely through the roof. (i may as well have been at the rogers centre where, for some reason, they always try to confiscate my bottle top. but i digress.) and speaking of liquids, the fellows in the funny bow ties behind the counter wouldn't let me drink my fruit juice from the bottle. instead they insisted on pouring my beverage into a plastic cup. which is silly, because the juice already comes in a plastic bottle. but i guess it looks classier if i drink my fruit juice from a plastic cup rather than a plastic bottle. assuming it's possible to make fruit juice look classy in the first place.

dos, i simply cannot watch my daughter perform on stage. the reason? i am much too concerned that she may suffer a mishap during her number. oh, come on. the kid has broken her arm, battled a concussion, dislocated her shoulder, had more than a few baby teeth knocked out, and the list goes on. look, i'm the kid's father. i don't want to see her screw up in front of a roomful of strangers. so i'm a little anxious. so i closed my eyes a few times. so i said a few prayers. so what's the big deal? hey, in the end, it all worked out. i'm told that her performance went off without a hitch.

tres, rich folks and their progeny love to play with their gadgets in the dark. cell phones, blackberries, digital cameras, nintendos, ipods. in the murky shadows of the darkened theatre during today's matinee, there always seemed to exist a trail of lcd lights somewhere in the distance. some of those lights were pointed towards the stage, while others were poorly hidden beneath jackets and behind chair backs. hey, those are your kids on stage, in case you haven't noticed! just pay attention to them! unless you're too nervous to watch, that is.

cuatro, there is a lot of bad plastic surgery on display at the theatre in this city. and i mean alot. i think today's tawdry turnout had something to do with the simultaneous showing of jersey boys in the hall next door. i caught wind of some potential malpractice lawsuits during the intermission. most of the serious theatre crowd attending that show (especially the older, female set) seemed like they had just rolled out of their hairdresser's swivel chair. leather pants were not an uncommon sight either. but most noticeably of all, those grand dames of the dress circle couldn't help but smile throughout the entirety of the afternoon. a bad facelift will do that, after all.

cinco, why must i always feel the need to deliver at least five quick-witted insights on every issue i discuss? what's wrong with only four? four is a decent number. there are four seasons. and four corners of the universe. and four horsemen of the apocalypse. and the fantastic four. and four members of the beatles. and the monkees. and abba. (but have you ever noticed that boy bands typically have five members? while girl groups usually have only three? of course, the counting crows currently have seven. but i digress. again.)

the dance number from adam and the boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75OSZElYB9E

and now my favorite number from adam and the boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs

and now an entirely unrelated number from pete townshend featuring a cool homemade video put together by five friends from beantown who, despite their quintet dimensions, do not consider themselves a boy band: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-DP-dRcCjM