here fishy fishy

sardines in a can. mmmm. tastes good. smells bad.

of course, you can't really argue with the health benefits of sardines. especially when they're bathed in spring water, like the ones i normally purchase. they are, after all, a good source of iron, calcium and omega-3 polyunsaturates. not to mention an excellent source of protein, vitamin d and selenium. yes, selenium. whatever the hell that is.

but did i mention the smell? for it has been duly noted that the smell of sardines can be a tad off-putting to some. well, to all, to be more precise. even to those who actually enjoy the occasional container of oily, headless fish.

so here's the thing. when you finally muster up the courage to dig into a can of sardines, you have to keep one thing in mind. the moment one of those bite-sized aquatic vertebrates makes contact with the outside world, be it your counter top or your kitchen table or even the plate on which you serve them, you're in for a rough ride. how come? because once the distinctive odour of a sardine attaches itself to an item in your home, there ain't nothing, and i mean nothing, that is going to obliterate that odour. not windex, not ajax, not even the most powerful scouring pad on the planet is going to make a difference at that point. uh-uh. cause once it's on, oh it's on, baby.

and i should know. because about three weeks ago, i made the grievous error of spilling a little sardine juice onto my living room carpet. the upshot? three weeks and twelve s.o.s. pads later, i can still detect the nerve gas-like stench of sardines the moment i step off the elevator on my floor. that, my dear, is one powerful fish in a can.

so what's a single-minded sardine aficionado to do? simple? you just have to play by the rules if you want to win this war.

rule one, avoid the good silverware when handling sardines. i find that plastic cutlery works just as well and because it's also disposable, you can remove any evidence of the salty pilchard with one simple trip to the garbage chute. ignore this rule and your dinner guests will be commenting on the mysterious odour emanating from their fork or knife for years to come.

rule two, better to place the can on several layers of tissues or napkins while snacking on the silvery side dish. that way, in the event of spillage, you've already created a buffer zone between the wayward gill-breather and your eating surface.

and finally, rule three, whenever possible, endeavour to ingest your cold-blooded neighbours in the absence of your fellow warm-blooded compatriots. that is to say, make every effort to dine alone. focus is key when attempting to devour the slippery sardine species so do your best to keep any distractions to a minimum. after all, the last thing you need is a chunk of dead aqua life surreptitiously sneaking its way onto your floor. personally i prefer retiring to my bedroom with canned fish in hand so that i can enjoy a little peace and quiet while i concentrate on my dining technique. but that's just me.

that's not an extended 12" mix, that's a broken record