plum-bing the depths of my soul

during an early episode of seinfeld, cosmo kramer purchases a peach from a local grocer only to discover that his fuzzy little snack has somehow gone bad. but when the goofy sidekick tries to return the fruit for a full refund, he is advised by the unimpressed produce vendor that only g-d should be held accountable for the not-so-tasty treat.

i was reminded of that classic sitcom staple late this afternoon when i bit into one of six red and black plums that i had picked up earlier in the week from a nearby metro. what is this? i don't taste a thing. could i be coming down with a cold? funny, i don't feel ill. maybe i should take another bite. yup. i was right. this is one bad plum.

at that point, i decided to grab another plum from the plastic baggie in my refrigerator. this time i elected to go with a black plum, unlike the first plum which had been of the red variety. once again, i bit in. oh, no. not again. two in a row? what are the odds? lemme make sure. yup. i was right. this is also one bad plum.

so i returned to my kitchen and retrieved the third plum from the aforementioned plastic baggie. the result? one more bite. one more bad plum. then i grabbed the fourth plum and took a nibble. the verdict? four for four, if you can believe it.

at that moment, i noticed my seven-year-old meandering aimlessly through our adjoining living room, so i grabbed the kid and begged her to take a bite of the fifth plum in order to confirm my suspicions.

kid: no!

adult: c'mon! take a bite!

kid: no! i don't like peaches!

adult: they're not peaches! they're plums!

kid: i don't care! i don't like plums either!

adult: c'mon! take a bite!

kid: no!

adult: i said take a bite!

kid: i said no!

adult: c'mon! they're good for you!

kid: no!

adult: please.

kid: no.

adult: c'mon! just one bite!

kid: mom! daddy's forcing me to eat fruit!

with only one remaining unscathed plum in my possession, i debated whether i should return to metro with evidence in hand and request a refund or chow down in a last, desperate attempt at redemption. my decision? bon appetit. and the final score? take a guess.

that is one fresh old school jam