dieting for dummies

so today, at the doctor's office, i decided to weigh myself on one of those - what do you call them - one of those, uh, doctor scales. and i must admit, i was a little surprised by the results. apparently, i've gained about 10 pounds since the last time i was in the doctor's office and weighed myself on one of those - what do you call them - one of those, uh, doctor scales. ten pounds! that is not a negligible figure. no, quite the contrary. that is a sizeable figure. that is a significant figure. that, my dear, is a lot of pasta.

but here's the problem: i don't like to exercise. i don't like to go to the gym. i don't like to sweat in public.

and here's the other problem: i like junk food. i like fast food. i like food.

yet looking back on my own experiences and those of others, i think i know why most diet plans and exercise regimens inevitably end in failure. most diets and regimens end in failure because most diets and regimens are very hard to follow for the average man, what with all that talk about carbs and calories and cholesterol and reps and sets and super sets.

and so, as a public service, i now present my highly unscientific but easy-to-understand tips on how to lose weight without exercising or giving up food, if you're feeling so inclined:

one, don't eat a thing past seven pm. if you want to lose weight, you have to give your metabolism a chance to metabolize all of that crap you've digested over the course of the day. and you don't have to be a genius to figure out that when you go to sleep at night, your metabolism partly goes to sleep as well. translation? when you snack late at night, the food that you consume during your midnight sojourn to the icebox will probably sit in your belly all night long. that can't be good. and food that isn't metabolized is more than likely going to end up as excess weight. that can't be good either.

two, stay the hell away from salt. salt in small quantities is not necessarily harmful, but increase your sodium intake too much and watch out, baby. potato chips... bad. french fries... bad. canned soup... bad. sea salt. table salt. salt-n-pepa. bad. bad. bad. salt is evil. salt is the enemy. salt holds water. and water is heavy. so if you don't want to be heavy, rid yourself of salt. boo salt.

three, even though i previously stated that you wouldn't have to give up food in order to lose weight under my plan, the truth is that you can't eat like a horse and still expect to shed pounds. so instead of eight slices of pepperoni pizza, why not have, say, only three or four? instead of twelve eggs in your morning omelette, why not have, say, only five or six? instead of two to four servings of brown rice at supper time, why not have, say, only one or two? you'll feel better knowing that you still have room in your stomach for dessert and you'll go to bed feeling satisfied without feeling bloated. and really, who wants to feel bloated anyway?

and finally, regardless of what i said near the end of point three above, if you really want to lose weight, you can never have another dessert for as long as you shall live. besides, dessert is entirely unnecessary and highly overrated in the first place. what exactly does dessert bring to the table anyhow? dessert is gooey and messy and requires a whole new set of cutlery. i say forget about dessert and instead, have another appetizer. appetizers are light and breezy and fun to be around. in fact, desserts don't even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as appetizers, so let's not fall into that trap.

ok, that's it. your diet plan is now complete. let's review then. one, stay out of the kitchen after hours. two, avoid salt like it's the plague. three, remember that you have one stomach, not four. and finally, desserts should never be mistaken for a good spring roll or mini quiche.

good luck and may you always be guided by the voice of reason and common sense. i know i am.

** please note that the preceding opinions are solely those of the individual blogger and do not necessarily represent the views of blogspot or any of its affiliates or sponsors **

shakespeare got it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSUBeyp4I-Q

"people are like stained-glass windows. they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - elisabeth kubler-ross

p.s. thank you, anonymous daily blogger. whoever you are.